A List of People and Characters with Whom I’d Like to Get Drunk
Guys, I got annihilated this past weekend. Like, super drunk. I turned into the kind of Matt who likes to yell things at really inappropriate times “like, shut up baby and sit on my face,” “somebody fight me,” and my personal favorite, “I AM FOREVER.”
And it was good. I needed a weekend like that in a really bad way, and I’m suddenly a lot less stressed, but now, incredibly poor until the next paycheck.
However, as a side effect of growing up getting older, my drinking team has dwindled. People are married, or they moved away, or I moved away, or they work more, or what was once funny behavior in college is no longer charming, but kind of annoying, etc.
The point is, I’m putting together a dream team of people, both real and fictional, for the ultimate night spent drinking.
The Brains: Anthony Bourdain
Function: Bourdain knows everyone. He’s been everywhere. He’s already done all the leg work, now he can prepare for us the greatest night of drinking and debauchery in the history of booze and regret.
Why? Bourdain can party. He partied really hard in New York in the ’70’s and ’80’s, but unlike the legendary partiers of old, Bourdain is not dead and not sober. Sure, he cut back on the heroin and coke, but he still smokes, drinks, and eats anything fried. He knows exactly how much to drink, how to drink it, where to drink it, and what to eat before, during, and after. He doesn’t have to impress you, if anything you need to impress him. He won’t waste time at the touristy places, or the places that are “institutions.” He’s already done that, and he’s too old for that shit, anyway. For a seasoned vet like him, it’s substance over style. He wants to drink what he wants to drink; eat where he wants to eat, and you can come or not, but he’s running the show.
How the Night Ends: The skyline of the city, or maybe on a mountain overlooking the Los Angeles basin. Tony says something poetic, equal parts poignant and snarky, credits, and “stay tuned for ‘Man vs. Food!'”
The Face: Tony Stark. Movie Version.
Function: I’m LA based, Tony’s LA Based, he’s going to know the best places to drink for every kind of night out. He knows the best places to meet girls, to dance, to get into a fight, or the best dives with the greatest juke boxes. Also, he’s paying.
Why? First off, the movie version still drinks, unlike the comic book version who got wasted, killed a senator, and had Captain America slap the flavor out of his mouth until he sobered up. Second, I know lots of people who know the best places to go in LA, shit, I know the best places to go, but none of us can get in because we’re poor and we suck. And unlike me and everyone I know, when Tony Stark says ladies are going to show up, ladies are going to show up.
How the Night Ends: In jail, due to traffic on the PCH being backed up due to an accident involving jet boots and full frontal nudity.
The Brawn: Hercules. Marvel Comics.
Function: Hercules is the Greek god of…uh…power, I guess? Really he functions more like that guy you know who can stay out all night drinking and partying, get 45 minutes of sleep, wake up, get to work early, ace the presentation, apologize to everyone who may have been offended by the previous night’s debauchery, be forgiven, and sleep with the prettier offendees, but on a cosmic level. Hercules drinks the entire bar, then still goes out to wrestle hydras and throw kegs at terrorists.
Why? Hercules is your basic deterrent to every problem you might encounter in a bar. He’s a walking manifestation of don’t start none, won’t be none. On top of that, he can actually back up that threat of force, but unlike other drunken brawlers (Wolverine) he doesn’t get drunk and collapse into self-pity or inconsolable rage. Herc will gladly keep partying, but if you need to be thrown into space, he can do that, too. Also, parking is a nightmare in this city, doubly so if you’re trying to go to a bar. If someone doesn’t parallel park correctly, Herc can nudge their car forward or backward as necessary, or maybe just throw that fucking Porsche into low Earth orbit.
How the Night Ends: Under siege. Either surrounded by police cruisers crumpled up like beer cans or an entire cheerleading squad. College girls, of course.
Transportation: Green Lantern of Sector 2814 and Member of Oan Honor Guard, Guy Gardner
Function: The Green Lantern power ring is the most powerful weapon in existence, able to conjure up anything. It is limited only by the bearer’s imagination and willpower. I’m going to make Guy use his to move us all around the city.
Why? There are over 7,000 Green Lanterns, but only one of them owned a bar on two different planets. So we know Guy likes to drink, and he was a walk on at Michigan, so he won’t bitch about spending time in a sports bar, watching games and demolishing wings. The dude got punched in the face by Batman. There’s nothing left to fear after that, so you know he’d be down to do anything or go anywhere. That awesome criteria aside, I need Guy as a people mover. Not just to form a flying car or green bubble to fly us around and avoid traffic, or use the ring to safely get everyone home so there’s no drunk drivers and no one has to sit that night out as the DD, but also to move the other people. Form a cow catcher so we can work our way through a crowd. Pick up groups of people so we can belly up to the bar. Make a giant boxing glove to take care of any snooty bouncers or doormen. Guy will move people. All of them.
How the Night Ends: Sans Pants on Mars.
Function: Be Hellboy.
Why? The guy drank with skeletons.
What other kind of trouble could he get into? Let’s all find out together.
How the Night Ends: Punching Nazi cyborgs right in the goddamn brains.
Drill Sergeant: Humphrey Bogart
Function: Keep everyone in line. Keep everyone focused on the task at hand, drinking. No bar crawling if that’s not what we’re doing. No trying out some new place that you heard was amazing. No splitting up and meeting up later. We’re here to drink, and Bogie’s a goddamn Nobel Laureate in that particular field.
Why? Bogart was one of the original members of the Rat Pack. Depending on who you talk to, he and wife Laura Bacall were the founding members of the greatest drinking society the world will ever know. More than that, Bogart was a functional drinker. He’d get two or three martinis in and still know all his lines and cues for the movie or play. Bogie understood, you can drink all you want if you can do everything that’s still expected of you and do it well. Not to mention, he’s really the only true alcoholic on this list, and you need at least one professional.
How the Night Ends: Cigarette, comfortable chair, watching the sun rise from the Butternut Squash Room at his mansion.
Plan B: Ellen Ripley
Function: When things get out of control, and they will get out control, the Plan B has to be the one who gets us to the exits, distracts the bouncers, and keeps us moving so the cops don’t catch us.
Why? There is no problem Ripley can’t solve, no enemy Ripley won’t face. Even at the expense of her own life, she will find a way to win. You absolutely need someone who can face insurmountable odds and in possession of an iron will to keep a group of rowdy drunks in line. More than that, I will listen to Ripley. You know when people say, “what’s the worst that could happen?” Well, Ripley knows.
No matter how drunk, or belligerent I get, in Ripley I trust.
Posted on August 18, 2010, in Comics, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged bogart, booze, bourdain, drinking, drunks, green lanter, guy gardner, hellboy, hercules, iron man, ripley, step one to embracing life as an alcoholic, tony stark. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.