Squirm/Cheer for Public Marriage Proposals

I’m dead inside. The few women who have let me into their lives have figured that out. Young Chad never recovered from the moment he realized love wasn’t like a Disney movie. I drive down the street, see couples holding hands, and the gravitational pull that is the black hole of my soul gets a little stronger.Maybe that why public marriage proposals destroy me. Perhaps its just an outsider’s view. Perhaps in our banner video things are more than they seem. Perhaps Captain America has special significance to them. Perhaps they met at the Marvel Booth. Perhaps the guy is an aspiring MC and the moment felt more spontaneous than it seemed. But why awkwardly bring a rather big moment in your life (even if you’re a godless heathen who’s only getting married for the tax benefits) like the proposal (Rated PG-13) in public where it loses all sense of intimacy? All I’m asking is not making your wedding proposal more about Kevin Smith than the two of you.

Again, I don’t want to be hateful. But when your proposal is sandwiched between conversations about Fleshlights and then a giant woman wearing buttons, it says “This marriage better never be boring, or we’re doomed. Good thing our lives are a CBS sitcom”. Here are some tips:

• Don’t do giant public proposals. The inward fear that your spouse said yes just because of the pressure will haunt you forever. Alternatively, you may be rejected and make the ESPN Web Gems of The Day.
• If it’s going to be public, don’t make the proposal to the Inside Man (person helping create this surprise) or the camera. A proposal at an NBA game should not contain you telling Carmello how much you love his work in the paint.
• Don’t riff. You will make a bad joke about your sweaty mouth. Girls don’t like sweaty mouths. Also, cooties.
• While the opposite side of the spectrum is waiting too long before proposing, making the moment dull and predictable, you should know enough about your future eternal love if you have a shot at getting bound together by law.

• Your girlfriend probably saw every romantic comedy you have. You’re going to have to think on your feet. Yes, they’ve done the marriage proposal written out in sand. Yes, that means I watched License to Wed.
• If you do have a really solid relationship, it won’t matter how you propose. Baby is gonna love it either way.

Chad Quandt is Sarah-Really-Messed-Me-Up-In-Second-Grade Editor of Nonstop Karate.