LOLJK Survival Guide: Chapter 37 – I JUST KILLED THIS HOOKER

Hi everyone!  Joey and Kyle here to give you the first taste of what will end up being a weekly staple here on Nonstop Karate. The “comedy” in our posts has been described as dark, cringe worthy, “alright I guess”, unenjoyable, and erotic (in an “I accidentally saw my Grandma naked and my boner is confused” type of way.)  Whether it be Joey/Kyle/the collective hive mind known as LOLJK, please enjoy our terrible, terrible words.

In this first installment, we take an excerpt from the LOLJK Survival Guide (coming soon to booksellers nation wide). This particular chapter deals with a problem everyone has dealt with at one time or another. But worry not, the experts are here to see you through.

It doesn’t really matter how it happened.  Some lady that you were going to graciously pay for adult services is now inconveniently dead on your hotel flor. While we all know it’s unprofessional to die in the middle of a transaction, you must keep your wits about you. Apart from the giant kink this just threw in your evening’s plans, if you don’t play your cards right, the effects of the soulless dead thing on your floor could have a longer lasting effect than the incessant burning in your bathing suit area. So grab your handbook and follow each of these steps carefully:

1) RELAX
Take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to regain your wits.  Don’t feel rushed, at this point you’re “off the clock.”  This is the time to brush your teeth to get the hooker spit out of it, put on some pants, shower, and attempt to look like someone who ISN’T hauling a dead body around.

2) CALL FOR A LATE CHECK OUT
Once again. This is all about not feeling like there is a ticking clock working against you.  Remember: If you rush to bury your TNA, you’ll leave behind DNA. HASHTAG RapLyric

3) STEEL YOURSELF
Take a moment to steel yourself for what’s to come and remember this all important rule: DO NOT HUMANIZE THIS HOOKER! It is imperative that you remember she was never really a person and taking time out of your busy cleanup schedule for things like “prayer” or “repentance” is a waste of time. She was hollow and soulless far before you ever laid eyes on her, and even more so now. What you’re about to do is gruesome business so think of it like you’re helping a buddy move a dresser.

4) ASSESS THE SITUATION
You need to ask yourself what we like to call THE BIG THREE: How many parts is she in? Was there a struggle? Were there any witnesses to the incident? Depending on how each of these are answered, your course of action must be altered. But the end game will always be the same, get this hooker buried. If you answered yes to witnesses, skip to STEP 13 before proceeding.

5) GATHER MATERIALS
Wander the halls until you find a housekeeping cart. Steal whatever cleaning supplies you can. We suggest floor scrubber, an all surface cleaner with bleach, towels, a roll of trash bags, clean bed sheets, and a bag of pillow mints.

6) GATHER YOUR HOOKER PARTS
Think of this as the major league of Easter Egg hunts. Be sure to look everywhere, under the bed, behind the curtains, in the drawers, the toilet tank, etc. Nothing is more embarrassing than leaving dead hooker all over the place. Once you’ve found them all, empty your luggage and line it with trash bags. Carefully place each bit into your luggage and close it up. Place all your clothes into a separate trash bag.

7) GHOST HER
Our main technique for getting the hooker out of the room is what we like to call “Ghosting.” There are variations on it but they all begin with the first step, wrap your hooker up in a clean sheet bed sheet.  Now take a marker and draw a scary ghost face on the sheet. Get creative! Is she a vengeful spirt? Perhaps a goofy, mischievous ghost like the ones in Hogwarts. Express yourself in a fun and creative way.

Beyond this, there are two ways to get it out of the hotel.

  1. Tie the hooker to the luggage cart in a standing position and run down the hall, screaming and making ghost noises. Do this all the way to your car. At most, patrons and staff will assume you’re both drunk out of your minds.
  2. Pull your car underneath the window of your room and open the trunk.  Open your window. Now draw on your 8th grade science class egg drop experience and drop the ghost hooker from your window to the trunk of your car. To the people that see it, it will appear to merely be a ghostly spectre flying to the ground. And fearing themselves crazy, no bystander would dare tell anyone.  Go downstairs. Close your trunk.

8) CLEAN UP
Time to get a scrubbing!!  In this situation, you can’t be TOO thorough. No blood, [redacted], [redacted], or [redacted] can be left behind (the best methods for cleaning each of those can be found in Chapter 12: “I Got a Bodily Fluid On This Thing”).  If there are signs of a struggle this is the time to get everything in order. This may require stealing furniture from other rooms that are being cleaned. Any thing that can’t sufficiently cleaned or replaced comes with you.  Finally, replace the sheets on the bed. Stuff the dirty bed sheets in your luggage with the hooker parts.

9) FIND THE LOCATION
After going through the trouble of everything you’ve done so far, don’t  blow it by throwing the body in a dumpster on the edge of town or in some meth head’s trailer. The most time efficient and effective way of getting rid of a body is a simple burial.  If you’re near a desert, that would be ideal.  Other than that, a secluded area in the woods, a marshy swap, or the local petting zoo will do just fine.

10) BURY IT
Digging a grave can be back breaking work, but in the end it’s worth it.  Don’t skimp on the depth, the deeper the better. Somewhere between 4 and 6 feet is ideal.  And since you’re more than likely burying just the bits and pieces that are left, it could be something more like a deep hole than a grave.  In fact, the less it looks like a grave the better.  Once your done, roll a boulder over it or maybe even plant something nice, like a tree. Your hooker tree could be something you bring your children to see 10 or 15 years down the road.

11) UNBURY IT
OUR BAD! Forgot to tell you. You should probably retrieve the money you paid the hooker before you bury it.  If you’re lucky, she’ll have the money from a couple other John’s from earlier in the evening.

12) REBURY IT

13) TIE UP YOUR LOOSE ENDS
You may think now that she’s in the ground that you can put this whole ordeal behind you, but did you miss anything? This is the time to burn any furniture you brought from the hotel, as well as all of the clothing you had, along with your luggage, and the bed sheets from the hotel. PRO TIP: Do this is in a separate location from the body.

If you determined that there was a witness in STEP 3, then we suggest you take care of said witness before proceeding with the body disposal.  This part can get messy, and you have to know where to draw the line before you go all Dexter and shit. If you can afford it, we suggest hiring a professional to do the job. Use one of our trusted and board certified “Cleaners” from the directory in the last chapter of this book. If you must do it yourself, please keep it clean and efficient. Most importantly, make sure you have enough room in your trunk for two bodies.


14) REWARD YOURSELF
Take a moment to sit down, and congratulate yourself for a job well done.  Remember that bag of pillow mints? Well you’ve earned them! Go to town.


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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on February 16, 2011, in LOLJK and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. “Oh my God you killed a hooker!”

    “Call Girl!”

    “When they’re dead, they’re just hookers!”

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