Maybe Its Time We Had a Talk

by Esteban - Shift Manager

Well, well, well. Look at the set of fucking balls on this one.  Scott, is it? I’ve heard some things, Scott.  And I’m gonna get right down to it, I don’t like what people are whispering around the break room about you.  So I think for your own good, its time I let you know how shit goes ’round here in the Target Electronics Department.  First things first, I OWN you. I am your team leader, which means I am YOUR. GOD. And I’m not talking about a Biblical God. All that fire and brimestone crap is overdone. I’m a warrior God. I’m Thor. I’m Loki. I AM FINAL FANTASY SEVEN’S ODIN SUMMON RIDING IN ON HIS STEED TO GUNGE LANCE YOUR ASS!!

Let that sink in for a second….

*several minutes of silence*

The point is, you’re in my world. I live and breathe this shit. I made this place the finely tuned machine it is now.  As soon as you enter through those theft detectors, your ass is mine.  And yet, I’m getting the vibe that maybe you think you could do a better job of it? Do you think you’re the first? I see this all time. You little snot-nosed dickweeds come back from college for the summer and think you know it all.  And you assume that just because I decided to SAVE my parent’s money and get a business associates from Ivy Tech that you’re somehow better than me. Before you even think it. I HAD the grades. I just hope that fancy degree in butthole philosophy or fag literature or whatever BS keeps your broke ass warm at night.  Meanwhile, I’ll be here creating a modern day Roman Empire. It’s just matter of years before I run this store. Then it’s regional. Then it’s straight on to national and I’m taking the Wonkavator right to the top. THAT’S RIGHT! A man with goals. Does that scare you? It should. While you’re “finding yourself” I’m making shit work, son!!  *cough* *catches breathe* *hack*

Hold on. I’m not done yet. Just…*huff*…they switched my asthma meds so….*puff*….

OK. Where were we? What? No smart ass, I shouldn’t have grown out of my asthma by thirty four.

Well, I don’t give a good God damn what happened with your younger brother. It effects people different ways, just like any other medical ailment.  See. This is what I’m talking about, you think you know…oh. Pre-med? …well…aren’t you all good looking…and smart…

Just. Scott. Stop. Listen. I think we got off on the wrong foot.  I’m normally a very reasonable man. A simple man with noble aspirations. And this…really isn’t about your attitude. I’ve just. I want to ask you, from the bottom of my heart…

PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

A God damn angel

A God Damn Angel

DO NOT FUCK TIFFANY.

You don’t understand the amount of time and money I’ve put into landing this chick. And it’s so close.  I feel it. And I don’t need some newbie who has all the teenyboppers working here heart’s aflutter messing things up.  I’ve worked with her for four years and THIS is the summer its going to happen. As soon as she left for school in the fall, i knew I had 7 months to get my shit together.  So I bought an ab-wheel, a curtain to hang at the bottom of the basement stairs, and a little book I like to call “The Game.” Did you know you’re not even suppose to act like you want to talk to the chick?! HaHA! I’ve been doing that for years.  You know where I was lacking? I didn’t know how to peacock Scott!! I wasn’t setting myself apart from the pack.

I'm just surprised his body can support the added weight of the accessories.

But I figured it out!! Have you seen this sweet Falcon tat on my forearm?! That’s new. These new glasses? Yea. They’re gamer glasses. The yellow tint means they’re optimized for my LCD screen while I’m fragging twelve year olds on Xbox Live.  Aaaaand they look baller as hell. But all of those pale in comparison to what I just did. I thought, “hmmm…why wear an accessory to peacock when I could be doing it just by existing.” Right? What am I saying, Scott? I’m saying my name wasn’t always Esteban. Used to be James Harrison. But as of two weeks ago, its only Esteban now. Yea. I went with the single name. Madonna. Prince. Meatloaf. Esteban.

No Scott. Peacocking doesn’t imply a  visual element. I skimmed the damn book.

Yes. I am aware there is a man named Esteban that sells guitars. I don’t care. If anything, she’ll think I might be him…..well no, of course Tiffany won’t.

You know what, fuck you Scott.

Don’t walk away from me. Don’t.

SCOTT! SCOTT DON’T YOU DARE WALK AWAY!!  I WAS WILLING TO SHARE THE KINGDOM SCOTT!! BUT YOU’RE THROWING IT AWAY! THIS COULD HAVE ALL BEEN YOURS! AS FAR AS YOUR EYES CAN SEE LITTLE SIMBA! I TRIED TO LEVEL WITH YOU MAN TO MAN BUT NOW YOU’VE BROUGHT DOWN THE THUNDER! THIS SUMMER IS GONNA BE YOUR LIVING HELL!! I’LL SEE TO THAT!!

…I’ll see to that…You can..be sure of it…

…She’s gonna ride him raw…

______________________________________

Kyle McVey

LOLJK

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About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on February 23, 2011, in Character, LOLJK and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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