Monthly Archives: February 2011

The Great Gatsby

I promised in my previous post that the next article I posted would not be a book review.   I had further hoped that my joke about the Bill and Ted franchise would have driven the point home that this subsequent article would have absolutely no value to readers seeking substantive and astute literary criticism on the pages of Non-stop Karate.  I’m talking none whatsoever.

And I would like to assure you that this is a promise I intend to keep.

For the past week or so I have been confined to a small apartment.  We won’t go into the particulars- suffice to say, I am vicariously reliving the high points of my childhood which typically occurred indoors and involved books, comedy, and video games.

 

I am a Dungeon Dragon

I digress.
Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: Dear Oscars

Did you guys know the Oscars are only like days away? Maybe weeks, I’m not sure, but definitely days away. It’s almost certainly not tomorrow. Probably.

It's the gay Super Bowl.

I know this because my day job is working the front desk at a gym in West Hollywood. We sadly have few celebrity regulars (I did see Starbuck AND Helo, but not on the same day), we do get a lot of agents, producers, assistants, and the like.

Am I going to use this post as a flimsy excuse to post pictures of beautiful movie stars? You bet your ass.

Guess what? They super care about the Oscars. Which means that as a bright and smiling employee of this gym, when I’m on the clock, I care about the Oscars. Off the clock I can go home and watch Roadhouse and Tombstone to my heart’s content, but at work I have a fully cultivated opinion on every category, and which dark horse might actually win.

I don’t care, but at the same time I don’t care how many individual units come in the boxes of water I have to order every week, but I retain that knowledge because it makes life easier.

For those of you not as lucky as me to be forced into caring, here is a quick and dirty primer on the Oscars so you have something to talk about with the people you don’t like at the water cooler, or your mother-in-law who never goes to the movies, or watches anything good on TV, and yet, subscribes to every celebrity gossip magazine on Earth.

Here's a picture of a dude. You're welcome, I guess.

And here’s where they rewarded ‘Crash.’ God, ‘Crash sucked outloud.

Note: I wrote this intending to comment on a few things here and there, and at some point just decided to predict winners. I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. If I did, I’d be churning out Adam Sandler goes to Hawaii scripts, and not trying to make hard sci-fi movies complete with mythology. I, in no way, understand how Hollywood works. — Matt
Read the rest of this entry

Think Weezer sold out? This is their nuclear option against you.

Come at me, nerds!

Weezer catapulted the cool factor of awkward nerdiness to new heights in the ’90s. Rivers’ big glasses, goofy demeanor, and references to Kiss and Mary Tyler Moore were endearing because he had an air of authenticity. Flash forward to this same nerd singing a song about drinking Patron with Lil Wayne in the clubs. What. The. Fuck. Then this goddamn nerd meets an actor from his favorite TV show and decides to make said actor’s face the cover of his next album. So this shit can’t get any worse right? Check it out y’all:

And boom goes the dynamite.

Read the rest of this entry

LOLJK Survival Guide: Chapter 37 – I JUST KILLED THIS HOOKER

Hi everyone!  Joey and Kyle here to give you the first taste of what will end up being a weekly staple here on Nonstop Karate. The “comedy” in our posts has been described as dark, cringe worthy, “alright I guess”, unenjoyable, and erotic (in an “I accidentally saw my Grandma naked and my boner is confused” type of way.)  Whether it be Joey/Kyle/the collective hive mind known as LOLJK, please enjoy our terrible, terrible words.

In this first installment, we take an excerpt from the LOLJK Survival Guide (coming soon to booksellers nation wide). This particular chapter deals with a problem everyone has dealt with at one time or another. But worry not, the experts are here to see you through.

It doesn’t really matter how it happened.  Some lady that you were going to graciously pay for adult services is now inconveniently dead on your hotel flor. While we all know it’s unprofessional to die in the middle of a transaction, you must keep your wits about you. Apart from the giant kink this just threw in your evening’s plans, if you don’t play your cards right, the effects of the soulless dead thing on your floor could have a longer lasting effect than the incessant burning in your bathing suit area. So grab your handbook and follow each of these steps carefully:

1) RELAX
Take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to regain your wits.  Don’t feel rushed, at this point you’re “off the clock.”  This is the time to brush your teeth to get the hooker spit out of it, put on some pants, shower, and attempt to look like someone who ISN’T hauling a dead body around. Read the rest of this entry

Remembering Brian Jacques: A Murderable Feast

So Brian Jacques passed away last week- Saturday the 5th to be precise.

Liverpool Hooligan

To those unfamiliar with his work, Jacques authored the novel Redwall along with the many many sequels, prequels, and spinoffs.  Enjoying publishing and distribution almost as prolific as his writing, Jacques wrote his books largely for young adults.  Their popularity ensured that the setting and characters of Redwall became a nontrivial contributor to the collective imagination of my generation.  I myself came to the book as a child, and it remains a fondly remembered piece of my early life.
Read the rest of this entry

At the entrance of Hell, this Bugs Bunny costume guards the way.

Jesus. JESUS. There is no Jesus here where this video exists, but GAH JESUS.

WHY DID HE BECKON AT THE CAMERA? Does he know I’m watching? Oh god, why is he on that rocking horse? Why is he there? What is it about his presence that kills all audio recording it? Bugs Bunny continues to ride, head forward, atop his horse of Pestilence or Famine, without ever stopping.

I just turned on the lights in my room. And I locked the door. No, I don’t think this video means me harm. I believe it’s just a weird family video that lost the audio. All I’m saying is you can’t be too careful. Better to lock your door a thousand times than have this thing looming over you one night.

I thought that was the end of it, and then I found the other videos this account had hosted. And I skyrocketed from misery all the way to elation in less than a minute. Read the rest of this entry

Nonstop Debate: A Roundtable Discussion

Hello, and welcome to Nonstop Karate’s 1st round table discussion. We come up with a problem that may or may not happen, and bring in a group of experts to examine the logistics of such an undertaking and evaluate pros and cons with the individual philosophies’ approach to the issue at hand.

Today’s Topic: Terrorism.

Matt: All right, gentlemen, thank you for joining me. The topic is terrorism. I suppose the first question is, at what point should we stop trying to understand why these people are taking up arms and such extreme measures for a cause we may not wholly understand, and start treating them as combatants–
Wolverine: Stab ‘em.

Thing: Clobber ‘em.

Punisher: Shoot them in the face.

Deadpool: Tickle fights.

Batman: I’m Batman.
Read the rest of this entry

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.