My NFL Lockout Contingency

Ladies. Gentlemen.

I know for a lot of you, a summer of exciting sports has just begun.  The NBA and NHL playoffs have finally kicked off. And the decades long baseball season is in full swing. Personally, I have little investment in any of these this year. The Pacers are in the playoffs, but unless there is a miracle our lack of a D-Rose-like super star is going to doom us to a first round knock out.  And I never grew up near an NHL hockey team, so despite my enjoyment of the sport I have been a man without a home team (even thought I live by two now). As for baseball, God damn it is boring.  If I’m shit-faced, eating my way around a stadium that’s one thing.  But most sports are watched in the privacy of one’s home or with a group in a bar. Professional sports are supposed to be an electrifying affair, but there is NOTHING that makes me want to pass out in my fishbowl full of blue booze more than baseball on television.  So if you can sustain your sport lust with it, more power to you.

OK. I am a little pissed I missed this game.

However,  there are many in this country that can’t survive on the meager scraps of these lesser sports alone.  Myself included.  I’m a meat and potatoes man. And when it comes to televised sports, the NFL is what sustains me.

COOOOOOOOLTS!

But these are dark days my friends. An NFL player lockout looms overhead and despite the release of the 2011 schedule, I’m not particularly optimistic about it.  This lockout could potentially usher in what I’ve deemed “The Long Winter.”  A dark, football-less age of boredom that could span from September of 2011 t0 September 2012.  It will be a time of rampant lawlessness and depression.  But don’t worry.  I’ve had a plan in case something like this happened.  So come with me as a break the emergency glass and retrieve my NFL lockout contingency plan from my fall out shelter’s secret safe.   Here’s what we can do to cope.

HYPNOTHERAPY  BUILD MACHINE FROM TOTAL RECALL

Hypnotists are like the chiropractors of the magic world.  What they do may or may not work. But if we don’t have a football season,  I don’t want to remember. 

Fuck hypnotherapy. If I’m gonna go through the trouble of not remembering something, lets go balls deep.  Developing the memory implant technology from the film “Total Recall” would be just that.  Think about it, no only could we forget this awful time in our life but we could replace it with whatever we wanted. Your work gave you 6 months off and a bonus, so you spent the winter on a deserted island.  Or maybe there WAS a 2011 football season and the Colts went undefeated and won the Super Bowl, Dwight Freeny finally reveals his true form to be some kind of Tasmanian Devil/Orc hybrid, and we find out Tom Brady has a psychic baby protruding from his stomach.  How we missed that, I don’t know. I’ll also attempt to appear to be unbiased for the rest of this entry. ATTEMPT.

Yo? Tom? You there? We should totally give it to Giselle again tonight.

At the very least, assembling the right team of people to do the research and develop the technology would last the span of the lockout.  I’d be so caught up in my work that the “The Long Winter” would just fly by.  Some of you may be skeptical that we’d be able to finalize the technology in only a year’s time.  But you forget how much dude’s LOVE fantasy football.  And without that to distract us through the day, our efficiency as a work force would increase a 100 fold.  It’d be like putting rocket boosters on a Bugatti Veyron (that is totally going into my Fast and Furious fan fic).

RESURRECT THE XFL

This is the equivalent of me winning a 4th grade Spelling Bee. Now.

This was just, an absolute turd of an idea.  Don’t get me wrong, everything about it appealed to 15 year old Kyle.  It was supposed to be football that was harder hitting with far fewer rules and penalties.  Brought to you by the guy who runs the WWE!! What?! FINALLY! The badassery of football mixed with the showmanship and bravado of professional wrestling!  The announcers talked trash. There were mics and cameras in huddle and in the locker room.  They replaced the coin toss with a two man race to recover a football.  It was my dream sport. Except for one glaring detail: it sucked.  It sucked so hard.  The quality of play was atrocious. If the guys  in the league were THAT good, they would have been playing for the NFL in the first place. Also, the fact that it was brought to you by a man who runs a “sport” where every match is predetermined casts an unnecessary cloud of doubt over the credibility of each game.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and the XFL would at least be something meager to keep us going through the winter months.  With me at the helm, the league would be given the care and credibility it needed. By care, I mean I’m going to do everything in my power to have this league live up to its EXTREME namesake.  1) I’ll have the band Gwar design all of the team uniforms. 2) The game will be no huddle all the time. 3) Two fans from each team will be given control of a fire hose IN THE STADIUM to use at their discretion during the game.  But use it wisely, because once the tank runs out you’re done.  4) Each team will have a defensive and offensive captain that will be their larger than life, wrestling-like personalities. And in the event of a tie, each team’s captains will meet in a tag team match at the 50 yard line. 5) Michael Bay shall design the pyrotechnic show at the end of each game.  And that’s just me spit balling off the top of my head.

DRAFT PLAYERS FROM PUPPY BOWL, CREATE DOG LEAGUE

If this was any more adorable, I would fucking die.

I love dogs. More than any other animal. They’re adorable. Loyal. And the cuddliest God damn creatures on the planet. People love watching them literally do anything. So why not expand on the Puppy Bowl idea create a Doggie Football League? We already have all these talented players from the Puppy Bowl, who play this one momentous game and then call it a career. Why? It’s such a waste. We have 6 years worth of players just idly sitting on their tails, dreaming of recapturing the glory of that one day. LET THEM.

My proposal for the DFL is each team has a human coach and quarterback and a defensive and offensive squad of dogs. Special teams? It’s a tug of war battle for the extra point. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch.  The best part is, we all win. At the end of the game there are no winners or losers, just good dogs and a tear in the eye of every person in the stadium.  The bonus is, we could have Michael Vick act as commissioner as part of his community service. That way we get the publicity needed to get the league off the ground and Michael gets the positive press he badly needs to look good in the public eye again.  It’s a match made in heaven. But if he slips up, I’ll personally make sure he disappears. Beli’ dat.

NO RULES SUNDAY SO HARD WE FORGET ABOUT IT

What madman would create such a monstrosity?!

I’m a huge proponent of “No Rules Sundays.” And I’d imagine many of you who read this site are as well. If you’re not familiar with “No Rules Sunday”, it’s kind of like the more popular “Sunday Funday” but way more badass. A “Sunday Funday” implies nothing more than an enjoyable, relaxing day. Maybe a few drinks in the afternoon. Go play some laser tag. Perhaps even a lazy day at the beach with a book. Whatever makes you happy, and stays within the social norm. “No Rules Sunday” means EXACTLY what it implies.  YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. And it usually means doing things that are extremely unwise for someone who probably has to work the next day.  In most cases, it involves punishing your body in every way humanly possible.  You wanna smoke a shit ton of weed? Then eat 10 pounds of meat and 2 pounds of double stuff Oreos?  Then smoke again and feel every emotion in the span of 60 seconds, completely losing grasp of reality? Then get matching back tattoos of Wickett the Ewok? Then go drink until the bars close because someone told you that the bartender looks like one of your friends and you feel obligated to kill the doppelganger in question? That’s what it’s about.  And if you do it hard enough, you might put yourself into an altered state of mind where the pain of not having a football season is eased. Even just a little bit.

That’s all I have. Until next time, I bid you a fond farewell.

<3′s & 8====D’s

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About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on April 20, 2011, in Lists, LOLJK, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Your description of No Rules Sunday literally brought tears to my eyes.

    People may eat more drink more, but no one, I mean no one is as invested in No Rules Sunday as you.

    Matt

  2. Good one, Kyle! This is the first post of yours that actually made me laugh. Until I got to the end I thought it was one of Matt’s.

    Keep up the good work!

  3. I know first hand how much you boys like your football, but it still tickles me to see this post on a blog that is so blatantly nerdy. Kudos for diversity.

  4. It’d be like putting rocket boosters on a Bugatti Veyron (that is totally going into my Fast and Furious fan fic).

    Sorry man, but Fast Five already beat your fanfic. They’re already hyping a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson vs. Vin “That bald guy who drives the cars fast” Diesel battle.

    On-topic, I’m just glad that my NHL team has a realistic shot at winning it all, which is more than I can say about any other pro sports team in my area for the next five years (and I’m not allowed to like the Ravens or my Cleveland-born family members will murder me).

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