Dear Celebs: There are Doings Afoot Edition

Sometimes me shouting at rich people for being too dumb, too pretty, very famous for doing very little, or not wanting to let me sex them isn’t enough.

There’s a lot of shit that goes down in Hollywood (well, actually the Valley, unless it’s Paramount. Or in Marina Del Ray /inside baseball) and much of it needs me to shout at it.

So today will be less gossip column stuff and more behind the scenes stuff.

Though, I’m sure at some point I’ll find a way to yell at an actress or model. Apparently women are into that.

*-*-*

Dear George Takei,

There goes my hero/watch him as he goes/

You’re doing the Lord’s work.


Your getting in the WB’s face over allegedly attempting to whitewash their upcoming adaptation of Akira is awesome. As a fellow Asian-American trying to break into entertainment, I’m glad we have an articulate, accomplished, outspoken man to represent us.

Frankly I’m shocked that we actually need someone to point out that whitewashing almost always sucks. The Dragonball movie was a train wreck and let’s not forget the awesome display of diversity that was theLast Airbender movie.

Yup.

It’s funny for a town that talks about how progressive and open-minded it is, Hollywood sure likes to make a lot of dipshit decisions. The same sort of dipshit decisions  a certain political group tends to take when dealing with immigration, diversity, and treating the poor.

I’m not sure why I’m so surprised. This is the town where people brag about driving hybrids and attending green events, then throw garbage out the window of their hybrids, only drink water from Fiji which leaves an enormous carbon footprint when they ship it all over the world, and have sprinkler systems set up in a desert that’s been undergoing a drought for forty years, but hey, I’m poor and a nobody, so what the fuck do I know?

I’m getting off topic.

Thank you, George Takei. Thank you for standing up and pointing out that maybe Asians don’t want to play tech support or horn dogs or the detective you call when you have to go into Chinatown. Maybe, just maybe, Asians want to be heroes. Maybe we want to play a role that’s more than just doing a job. Maybe Asians are complicated people with various degrees of motivations.

This is him. This is the Chosen One. Godspeed, John.

Maybe an Asian could get laid in a movie that isn’t A.) female and B.) sleeping with the white lead.

Again, I have no money and no connections so I clearly know shit about dick.

But you know who does?

You.

Yeah, George! Fuck 'em up!

George ‘Fucking’ Takei.

Matt

*-*-*

Dear Filmmakers,

Really?
Your letter that 23 of you signed to demand a stop to Video on Demand smacks of the privileged suddenly realizing that they won’t have every advantage anymore, and it’s unfair, because you’re used to that advantage.

Oh, you’re worried about VoD hurting the theater business?

You know what’s hurting the theater business? How you do business.

You think you can make worse movies with bigger budgets and make up the difference by charging us more for 3D or to see movies in IMAX where it makes no difference if the movies is in 3D or IMAX?

You think a family of four wants to spend 80 dollars on 3D IMAX tickets, another 35 on concessions to sit in a dirty theater filled with talking assholes texting during the entire movie and thank you for that?

Goddamn, those glasses are dorky. And I wear glasses. And am a dork.

Listen, I love movies. I love the act of going to the movies. I like the smell of popcorn and butter-esque sauce. I like getting a giant tub of Mr. Pibb, a box of Milk Duds, and trough of popcorn and watching explosions. However, I’ve just spent 40 bucks.

Yet, I’m a big boy. I understand that this is how business works. I know how much things cost, and I don’t get to act surprised every time I go to the theater.

But then you take the money I’ve just spent to pay the salaries for people to not come in and tell the people talking or who are on their phones to shut the fuck up.

Listen, buddy, I’m sure you’re ‘hilarious’ and everyone at the office/restaurant/store where you work thinks so, too, and you should ‘totally do stand up,’ but here’s the thing, if you were actually funny, people wouldn’t have to be locked in a theater with you to hear said jokes. They’d leave, but they’re trying to decide if the joy of not being around your shithead voice and fuckface jokes is comparable to the money they just spent to watch Gwenyth Paltrow have problems.

Now, I’m sure how a theater chain runs is outside the purview of people like Michael Bay, Peter Jackson, and Gale Ann Hurd, but you know what’s not? The content.

Listen, movies have to get better. They have to. You can either overhaul the product at the studio level, or work harder to get smaller budgeted but better written and acted movies to a larger audience. Now some of those names on that list have done great things. However, great things are generally surrounded by a bunch of average and awful shit.

It’s a numbers game. Not every at bat is a homerun. Not every reception is a touchdown. That’s the way the world works.

However, deciding to make the same old crap, but bigger or dimmer and coming at the audience is not the way to go just because “people can’t experience stuff like this in the home.” If you want to make a go of 3D, you’re going to have to change how you do stuff. Like lighting. Either light differently on set or do something in post so the movie compensates for the glasses naturally dimming it. You’ll also have to say goodbye to the quick-cut/jump-cut because in 3D movies, the human eye can’t adjust fast enough. James Cameron did both of these things in Avatar, but the only lesson most of you learned was “put in 3D to make many dollars.”

Man, if I had a pterodactyl to surf, I'd get all kinds of hot blue cat-monkey lady action.

Look, I have my critiques for Avatar, but James Cameron absolutely did everything possible to make the transition to 3D as seamless and perfect as he could. It looks great, and not just in terms of effects. The way it was framed, edited, and lit were all exactly what they needed to be to make the movie work.

This still looks amazing to me.

I was having a discussion with someone the other day about videogames, and you know what? All videogames look awesome. There will never be another bad looking game, again. This is the age we live in, so now companies can’t hide behind the graphics if the game is boring, slow, or controls like shit. Sure some games will look better than the rest, but by and large graphics can’t be your sole selling point.

Whoa.

This is like the kinds of movies that are played in IMAX or in 3D. There’s nothing new under the sun. Between Jurassic Park and the Matrix we all got on the same page. All movie-goers speak the same language, and we’re not going to be surprised or amazed at anything. Movies can’t hide behind special effects and spectacle anymore because chances are we’ll be able to see something similar that’s better at the other stuff.

Let me work for you. I'll get coffee. I'll clean toilets. I won't swear as much. Probably.

Every animated movie coming out now is computer-generated because of Pixar’s massive success. Except the Pixar movies would be just as good and successful if they were done in traditional animation. The stories and characters and plots are so well done they would translate to any medium of expression. Yes, their movies look the best, but all that polish is a by-product of being in an environment where the best is expected at every level.

So tell me, why. Why would I want to spend all that money on tickets, on gas, and the time to go to the theater, fight traffic, find parking, fight traffic back home if I can get an overall better experience at home? Sure, the screen’s smaller, but the picture quality is about the same, as is the sound for the room. I can eat whatever food I want, pause to go to the bathroom, and rewind any scenes that someone talked over.

George! Come quick! I found another movie with an Asian lead!

Some movies demand to be seen in a theater. The giant screen and the communal experience of witnessing something special together cannot be replicated at home. I have very vivid memories of several theater experiences that I know were one time only. Perfect seat, perfect audience, perfect film, perfect experience.

But those experiences are fewer and farther between because we’re getting the same product but bigger and louder and that’s not going to cut it. If I can wait a few weeks and see the same movie with friends for a fraction of the price and the hassle, I’d be crazy not to.

*-*-*

Ironically, I’m complaining about movies doing all the same stuff as we stand on the precipice of my favorite movie season, the Summer Action Block.

I am what I am.

See you guys Thursday,

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on April 25, 2011, in Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Couldn’t agree more with the VoD argument.
    And couldn’t be more excited for Fast Five and the beginning of Action Movie May. WAY better than Black History Month. Not more important, mind you. But just better.

  2. Great post. George Takei is my hero. I *love* that he’s being a pain in the WB’s ass about their ridiculous decisions with Akira.

    • The worst part is they’re picking white guys who are popular and not right for the role.

      I like Michael Fassbender a lot, but he looks like a man, not a young punk, and almost everyone else listed as being pursued for roles look like kids next to him.

      Matt

      • Yeah, their casting obviously has nothing to do with the integrity or believability of the movie. Not that there is any integrity at this point, for it disappeared as soon as they decided to change Tetsuo’s name to “Seth.” This blog has pretty good coverage of it and other issues, as well as a (let’s face it, useless) petition. http://www.racebending.com/v4/

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