I Got Your Reboot Right Here *points to laptop*

But with blue fire! And lightsabers! Robot horses!

There’s a rumor going around that Hollywood is going to reboot Zorro, but instead of being a Spanish nobleman fighting the good fight on behalf of the poor and downtrodden in what is now California, it will take place in the future and he’ll be avenging something.

I know what you’re thinking, why don’t they just do a revenge movie that takes place in the future and call it literally anything else? Something like: Revenge-o-Tron, Vengeance in the Year 5000, The Good, the Bad, and the Cybernetic, Gunhand: the Man Whose Hands Were Guns and His Feet Were Hands, Apocalypse Sheriff, Showdown at Nuke Crater, there, I just did that off the top of my head.I assume they’re moving Zorro to the future because A.) the present isn’t dark or gritty, it’s just depressing. Obama had to show his birth certificate because he’s not white, and we’re screening 9/11 first responders to see if they’re terrorists before we help them pay for the cancer they got shifting through the wreckage of a tragedy to help families that lost loved ones get some kind of closure.

This fucking guy. Look at this fucking asshole. You went bankrupt. Twice. Now you're going to tell us how to do shit? Fist yourself to death.

B.) because of Zorro’s insanely large and rabid built-in fan base. I know that I can’t go more than ten minutes without someone making a Zorro reference or pining for a third part to the Antonio Banderas duology. It’s like if Glee and America Idol were joined at the penis. So dense with culture and luminous with white-hot genius, it would be cast into the sky where it would replace the sun as the center of our entire existence. That is the power of Zorro and his story and iconography can be translated to any era.

He’s like Batman if Batman were cool enough to rock a pencil thin mustache and soul patch with sweet hat and scarf belt.

Bueno.

So of course it makes sense to take this insanely popular property and give it some of that sweet, sweet, sweet cyberpunk/end of the world feel that the kids love, apparently.

Now, this got me thinking, why don’t we take all the properties that the public is obviously hungry for and make them dark and gritty and futuristic or modern or steampunk or just whatever?
*-*-*
As nerds we know how important it is to get things right. All of these jokes will be based on the movie versions, not the original comics, radio dramas, or serials from which they will differ. We know they’re different. You know they’re different. Let’s move on — Management
*-*-*

The Rocketeer

Sometimes you have to tie up babies and fly around doing shit.

Who: Cliff Secord is a pilot in Los Angeles who pays his bills flying in air shows until by chance he discovers a package hidden by some criminals. The package is actually a jet pack designed by Howard Hughes. Cliff perfects flying the jetpack and then punches Nazis and fights zeppelins.

Dark and Gritty:
Jet Secord, AKA Speed Secord, is a parkour ninja in Neo York who works as a courier that always gets the job done and keeps people at a distance because he’s secretly a romantic.

At no point does he get a jetpack, but he’s so good at running and jumping off of stuff that most people won’t run or jump off of, that he’s described as moving “like a rocket,” because in the future a rocket will be the high-water mark of stuff that goes fast and a cultural touchstone for young people.

Speed Secord is doing some crazy parkour shit, really insane jumps and dope flips, when he sees some guys assaulting a young woman who’s a brunette but will be described as Asian. He stops the assault and one of the thugs drops a disc or a thumb drive or something. Speed is also a hacker.

Babies love jetpacks. Fact.

He takes the thing home, puts it into his big screen computer and meets HUGHES a computer program that’s being held captive because that’s how information and data works. He implores Speed and caucASIAN to ‘rocket’ over and save him or all the power goes out in Neo York and cars fall out of the sky and hospitals are exploded into the sun.

The Shadow

He had the voice for it. No getting around that.

Who: Lamont Cranston is a terrible man who did horrific things for awful reasons. A Buddhist Lama detects promise in this evil man, and kidnaps Lamont to reform him. Lamont is to take what he knows about crime along with the skills he learned from the lama to wage war on evil. The Shadow had the ability to cloud the minds of men and make them do whatever he wished, disappear from sight, and had a slight telekinetic ability. He dressed like a gangster, except for a mask covering the lower half of his face and carried two automatic pistols.

Dark and Gritty:
Ash Lamont is King of the Hackers in downtown New Angeles. His handle: Shadowz. He’s also an underground MMA fighter who gets from his control center where he’s hacking all the time to the illegal cage fights using parkour.

While investigating a new street drug called D4rk, rumored to be made by a corporation to make kids addicted to it because evil, Ash trips the alarm at corporate headquarters and pursued by the elite private security team, Golden Horde, who shoot him in the arm causing him to fall into a vat of D4rk. Then he’s electrocuted by computers. Golden Horde dumps his body in an alley, but Ash isn’t dead.

tick, tick, BOOM

He rises different, powerful, and with amazing abilities. He can now use the D4rk to blend into shadows or make people hallucinate and thanks to be electrocuted by computers while drugs entered his body via an open wound, he can hack people’s brain computers making them see or do whatever he wants. Using his MMA and parkour skills with the ability to turn invisible and hack things, Ash now strikes fear into the hearts of corporations and drug dealers, who are one in the same, as Shadowz, a Robin Hood-esque urban vigilante one-man fighting force for good.

Peter Pan

Look at those eyebrows. He might be the bad guy. Just saying.

Who: A young boy is separated from his parents, but is rescued by a fairy who takes him to a magical land where people never age. He’s given the gift of flight and recruits other lost boys to his cause of never growing old and fighting pirates which threaten his magical home, Neverland.

Dark and Gritty:
Neverland is an oasis in the radioactive blight that is planet Earth after World War Six (the one that was all racial). Shielded from the chaos of the outside world, Neverland is thought to be a myth by most people, when in fact it is a sheltered city high in the mountains. For years Neverland was protected by imposing mountain passes, terrible weather, and yetis.

That is, until the villainous Crimson Hook, warlord of the Desert Wastes, develops a fleet of fearsome airships and begins to plunder Neverland. The Ageless City cries out for a hero.

Pan is a young man with blond hair and tribal tattoos, who is descended from a family of swordsmen, orphaned from his tribe at a young age by the Crimson Hook during one of his raids, but not before his father, Peter the Second, took the raider’s hand. Seeing that all of his family’s training and honor did nothing but make them a target, Pan turned his back on the way of steel and became a minstrel, but you know, one with an electric guitar.

Pan recruited other orphaned kids, forming a band called the Lost Boyz, and began playing the sickest raves and mosh pits all across the blighted lands. Along the way they acquire a robot DJ named TINKER who handles all the scratching, remixing, and light shows for their legendary concerts. They sound a lot like Linkin Park. A LOT.

Looking up pictures of Tinkerbell probably put me on a list somewhere. Jesus.

On their way to Radstaff Arizona, they get word about Hook and his raid. Pan refuses to go until TINKER hacks some old files and tells Pan his family was Neverland royalty, but they left to go out into the world and spread the wisdom of the last untouched city.

After a montage, Pan drops his axe… TO TAKE UP HIS SWORD and goes to defend Neverland along with his Lost Boyz. TINKER reveals that it’s actually a warbot from World War Seven (the one against the robots) who designs and builds torch swords and anti-gravity harnesses for the Lost Boyz so they can take the fight to the sky and to Hook.

The anti-gravity harnesses also help with their parkour.

*-*-*

The hat is lasers! The sword is lasers! The mask is robots!

Boom. Done. Three movie treatments, took me twenty minutes.

Movie Studios, make the checks out to Matt ‘Fucking’ Loman, and my favorite colors are red, blue, and black in case you want to buy me a car, or a jet, or a jet car.

I'll take it.

See you guys Tuesday.

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Posted on April 28, 2011, in Comics, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I liked this article because at first I thought it was written by Matt Loman. Then it turned out it was!

  2. Yup…. That’s the stuff.

    People don’t like the Banderas Zorro?

    • I like the first one. The second one was awful.

      I was just pointing out that no one talks about Zorro. That’s all.

      Matt

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