Michael Bay’s Guide to the Summer Movie Season

Holy shit, where did May go? I did not write nearly as much as I had planned for ACTION MOVIE MAY.

Well, fuck it, we’re getting at least one more Bay up this piece.

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It’s no secret that I am the undisputed King of Summer. Every other year like a ripped out, sun-kissed, charmingly stubbled Santa Claus, I come down the chimney of Spring to drop my precious, precious payload of  adrenarone (when adrenaline knocks up testosterone) onto your eyes, into your brain, and then to your chest where it replaces your heart.

The only other person who makes as much money in the summer is Will Smith, and he works for me anyway. Shit, he’s sat out the last four years, probably because he was waiting for me to hit him back up after his movie about giving people his livers got no one off. It seems like only yesterday when we made a movie where the Miami PD invaded a sovereign nation, blew it up, and drove an H3 through a shanty town as the most personal “fuck you” on the entire planet.

Goddamn it, I miss that guy.

"Don't hate the player; hate the game." 'HATE THE TAILOR.'

When I’m not busy changing the entire game with blockbuster after blockbuster, I usually go to Thailand and hunt people, but Thailand’s slowly getting it’s shit together so I’m going to wait and see which way the wind blows in the next couple of years down that way.

For now, I’m going to start hiring myself out to productions so those summers I don’t have something out my presence will still be felt, and the unwashed masses will have something to do besides soil themselves in and around Wal-Marts.

Like drugs, sex, and cases of .50 cal., the first one’s free, so I’m going to break down all the important releases this summer to give the studios a taste of what I can do with no rules and 15 minutes to kill.

Fast Five

How is it that on the same planet where I live and fuck there are two grown men who named themselves ‘Vin Diesel’ and ‘the Rock’ and I’ve never worked with them? Does that seem weird to anyone else?

I will write a movie where Riddick and Beck from the 'Rundown' team up for free. I will pay you money to let me write it.

The other day someone said to me, “Mr. Bay, thank you for ravaging my pussy like it kicked your dog. Random question, have you ever worked with Vin Diesel or the Rock?”

“Yes..? No. Actually, definitely no. That seems weird. Does that seem weird to you?”

“Yeah, it feels like that should have happened already. We should probably move on to the butt stuff. Can you act like my asshole just spit in your mom’s face?”

“I always do.”

I literally just assumed that giant men with awesome voices who introduce themselves as ‘Vin Diesel’ and ‘the Rock’ with straight faces would be in my movies so I could make them into ageless gods of righteous destruction.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself. I should hire someone to write a movie where one is an NSA agent, and the other is a CIA agent, and they discover that the entire FBI’s gone rogue, but no one can stop them except two mavericks who are already outside the system.

Anyway, the fight between Diesel and the Rock was entirely too short, and should have involved a car chase, automatic weapons, a helicopter crashing into a boat, and the two of them using rebar as swords and broken off car doors (from the chase) as shields.

Second, you can’t have a woman who looks like this:

Dear baby...

Wears a bikini like this:

Israel, I don't know what the hell you're doing over there, but you're doing it right.

And only have her in that bikini once? What the fuck? She’s a weapons expert and a bikini model, so why in the SCREAMING BLUE FUCK doesn’t she shoot guns while wearing a bikini?

I just..I don’t understand…I can’t…look: you have all the parts to assemble the greatest fucking car anyone’s ever fucking seen and instead you take those parts and build a really sweet bike.

Cars > bikes

That’s physics. Written in stone. It can be the greatest bike in the world, but guess what? When push comes to shove you’d rather have a shitty car.

lawls and roffles

Fuck this movie. Next!

Priest

Warrior Priests released by the Super Catholics to fight vampires? This would have been a home run except for a few things.

One, the vampires should be able to talk. No one gives a shit about monsters that can’t say cool shit or yell at their underlings in hilarious ways. You might as well make the movie about going into the woods and shooting bears for as interesting fighting faceless monsters is. That’s why zombie movies are fucking retarded, because you don’t want the zombies to die, you just need them to die.

Jesus.

Two, if you have Paul Bettany’s number, that means you have his wife, Jennifer Connely’s number. This movie should have starred her in black leather and throwing knives at people with her partner Maggie Q. Then when the adrenaline is too much and the sexual tension unbearable, they strip down, strap on, and beat the brakes off each other.

Christ.

Three, skip the fucking preamble. No one cares about the set-up, just show the vampire war. This happens in between vampire wars. It’s the lead up to the next vampire war. No one wants to see how it started, because we know how it started: vampires fucking eat people. Just show us the war. This is the same problem in that movie where Batman fought dragons. I don’t want to see homeless people hiding in a castle. I want to see Apache gunships and F-18s having dogfights with dragons. Give me the goddamn steak, keep your shitty salad.

Fuck this movie. Next!

Thor

An indestructible viking god who shoots lightning at people should not be in a movie this boring. He just hangs out in a fancy castle, then goes to Earth to slum it with the normies so he can learn about feelings and deal with science so behind his that we may as well have just discovered fire.

That entire movie should have taken place on that snow planet where Thor could murder ice demons and fly through the faces of giant fucking monsters. Bonus points for having a threat who murdered things with his face, but not enough.

IN THE FACE.

I do not get everyone’s obsession with Natalie Portman. Is it because she’s small and mousey? Is that what’s become of men? We want a woman who is four and half feet tall and weighs 80 pounds so she can’t hurt us too bad?

Thor’s girlfriend should have been some giant Valkyrie bitch goddess in a chain mail thong wielding two swords at once and crushing men’s heads in her toned thighs.

My pitch: that chick, on the ice world, fighting the laser face robot for two hours. Now there’s a viking movie that’ll let you do it bareback then slaughter a boar for dinner.

Nerds...we have much to answer for.

Fuck this movie. Next!

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

These movies are three hour commercials for guy-liner and features a bunch of cool shit THAT HAPPENS OFF SCREEN YEARS BEFORE THE BORING CHARACTERS WE’RE STUCK WITH EVER SHOW UP.

Fuck this movie! Next!

X-Men: First Class

Same problem as Priest, it’s all warm-up. Just skip to the war between humans and mutants. No one cares how it started. Someone killed someone else. Someone is an asshole because of religion. Someone wants more money so he kills everyone who has money.

It’s not important. It’s really not. Do that shit during the main credits and then let me see people with knife hands and fire breath fight tanks. That’s all America wants.

Well that, and for that spicy blond to run around in nothing but body make-up, but as a blonde chick, not a blue fish girl with a scaly vagina.

I had something for this. "Something, something, Winter's Boner."

If you give Americans tanks and nudity, they will instantly forgive your franchise for enabling Brett Ratner’s nacho habit.

Fuck this movie. Next!

The Hangover II

These movies are based off of my old LiveJournal, but they’re taking a few liberties. First off, I shot the Triad boss who kidnapped Jerry Bruckheimer in Vegas. Don Simpson distracted him with a baby, and then I opened fire from a helicopter.

Guess which one is Bay.

Second, we stole three tigers from Tyson, not one; they were white tigers, and we rode them away because Mike’s white leather sofa got wrapped around the stolen SWAT van’s axle and was pretty much undriveable.

Third, we weren’t roofied. Not exactly. Cage dropped some of his pills, and in Vegas I only have two rules: if it looks like candy: eat it, and the house always wins *points to crotch.*

Fourth, when we were in Thailand, it was for a pit-fighting tournament, not a wedding, but Bruckheimer did accidentally get married to a prostitute and a herm. There was language barrier thing going on due to local dialects or something, but it all got sorted out in the jungle near a mass grave.

Classic.

Otherwise, these movies are fairly accurate.

Super 8

Yeah, let’s follow up the movie with spaceship battles, busty green chicks, and bombs that eat entire planets with a bunch of kids shooting a movie about their first periods or something.

Fun Fact: Saying or writing the word "periods" will always make me laugh.

You know why we can’t know what the monster looks like? Because it’s fucking dumb. The monster from Cloverfield looked like green pug on the body of a preying mantis with Downs’ Syndrome.
At the very least, can we follow the Army guys around? Who cares what a kid thinks about the whole situation? The little shit’s just going to run away from all the fighting.

People don’t pay to watch someone be afraid of muted noise on the other side of a wall. They came to see machine guns shoot the whole world apart.

Mood and atmosphere are for morons who don’t know how to shoot an action scene, or are too afraid to tell their second unit what to do.

Fuck this movie. Next!

Green Lantern

I have no fucking idea what this movie’s about.

He has a wishing ring? Then joins the alien police? He can make anything he wants, but instead of flying around in a suit made of guns he makes giant fists or something?

Better than a Space Roach?

Then he uses to the magic ring to wish away a cloud with a face?

What?

Blake Lively’s in it, and that chick has got some legs, but is there some rule where women in comic book movies can’t have titties? Between Blake and Natalie Portman, I’m starting to wonder.

Nice gams.

Granted, I’m not the most politically correct guy out there, but it seems to me that having a sneering, mincing, pink man with a pencil thin mustache yell at people is a little on the nose, don’t you think?

Just sayin.'

Glad to see Michael Clarke Duncan is working again.

Wait, he fought the Rock in a movie, right?

So, this happened.

Hold on, did I direct that?

No?

Moving on.

Cars 2

Back to the Fall with you! You have no place here! My talking car movie rules the summers! MY TALKING CAR MOVIE!

Tow-mater. I see what you did there.

FUCKING GODDAMN IT.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The movie that will ruin you for all other movies. I shot this bitch with Cameron’s 3D crew from Avatar, but unlike that movie, this one will be exciting the entire way through and won’t make you want to go home and jack off to cartoons.

"OPTIIIMUUUSSSSSS!" - 3/4's of Shia dialogue.

So no whining about 3D. It was shot and lit for it. Unlike most of my ladies, I didn’t finish this one from behind.

Zookeeper

I guess my biggest problem with this movie is why would you hire him to work around giant wild animals when he got fired for fucking up a job as mall security?

There. That's the whole movie.

Also, what the fuck is a TGI Friday’s? Is that a real thing or invented for the movie?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2

I’ll say this for the people behind these witch movies, they are insanely good at identifying talent at a young age.

Are you serious? This?

Nerd.

Became this?

I retract my previous statement.

Did not see that coming.

These movies are almost as successful as mine, but I’d just change a few things.

Don’t put it at a school. That’s dumb as shit.

Make them wizard cops or wizard special forces or something cool. I mean, how hard is it to kill a kid? The bad guy in this movie is an alien who shoots snakes, but he can’t murder a baby? Shit, it’s harder to kill a baby than it is to kill a child. The idiot parents are always around a baby, but a kid can open doors, feed himself, and walk. Between getting him to go into places filled with killers or wired to explode or poisoning their food, it should not be this difficult to kill one dork in glasses.

His name's Space Hitler, right?

Now if he’s like some badass dude with an awesome job, it makes sense. He’s used to being cautious about warehouses or dudes in robes rolling around in vans without windows. By the time he fights Space Hitler we’ve established he’s badass. He’s trained and has all kinds of cool shit and gadgets. Don’t make me watch some kid keep not dying because he was born special.

Why would you want the audience to be resentful of the special little nerd who has no reason to be great other than he just is?

Finally ,is best friend should have been a cool black kid or like a skateboarding Asian hacker, not a ginger. I mean, honestly.

I got stuck with a ginger on Transformers and I killed his ass immediately. Dude got robo-scorpioned.

Peace out, Dave.

Fuck this movie. Next!

Captain America: the First Avenger

First things first, you have to move this to, at the earliest, Vietnam. If you’re going to have a movie involving the military you’re going to want helicopters.

I am ever so nervous for this movie.

You want people jumping out of them, flying overhead, into and out of sunsets: I cannot stress enough how fucking important helicopters are to everything, ever.

Another reason: Nazis are so out. Do we really need help remembering that they’re bad guys? We beat the Nazis already, decisively. It wasn’t even close. It got so bad their leader locked himself in a basement and killed himself.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but so far this list has been almost entirely an exercise in lost chances and pussified ambitions so I better just in case, but that shield of his had better be razor sharp. Otherwise he needs a sword or like a gun that shoots ninja stars shaped like the ones on the flag. I can appreciate the desire to give the hero a unique weapon, but whoever picked ‘shield’ is so out of touch with everything cool, they will certainly die a virgin.

He should probably be fighting these the entire movie.

Finally, why aren’t all his enemies guys in robot suits that shoot fire out of their hands? According to the trailer, there’s just the two. Does that seem short-sighted to anyone else?

Cowboys and Aliens

Why is this being made? I have Marines fighting robot aliens. That was the very first thing I did. I already won 4 years ago.

This is like having a Ferrari and then someone trying to sell you a Saturn. Why would I go back? Why would I downgrade? Marines are cooler than cowboys and aliens who are also robots would crush aliens who are just aliens.

The cast for this movie is unbelievable. Especially given the title.

I just bought a jet, but thanks for selling me a bus pass. I’m dating a supermodel, but I should probably hollow out this mother of three. I could watch men with machine guns wing suit out of Ospreys to fight tank robots, but I’ll pay money to watch a dude on a horse with a gun that holds six bullets shoot at a guy in a green suit.

I’ve never been this fucking angry at fucking stupidity in my entire fucking life.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

FUCK THIS SHIT. JUST SHOW THE WAR PART. I DON’T CARE HOW THE MONKEYS GOT SMART.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins

Why are you like this?

What? Who made this? This is a thing? Why? Why is this a thing? People care about what happens when a man has penguins? He has penguins. That’s it. It’s like a dog, but with ice cubes.

Glee! Live! 3D!

They don’t even make the two hottest chicks the stars of the show.
Why would you take a sexy gift from God and hide it behind a whiny broad and show tunes?

Fix that, and then we’ll talk about charging people money to go into a movie theater to watch a concert.

Conan the Barbarian in 3D

Time travel. We can fix this with time travel.

Have Conan out chopping people in half with swords and banging chicks with hairy vaginas, but then get tossed to the future where he gets guns. Then he finds a spell to return to his time, but fucks it up, so he bounces from time period to time period, with all the guns, and murders everyone who ever lived. He fights in the Civil War, the Revolutionary War, kills Napoleon, strangles Genghis Khan in front of his concubines, eats all the dinosaurs, forces the Egyptians to make the Sphinx look like him, wipes out the Aztecs, and stop the Communists from gaining control of Russia.

That's an extremely metal poster.

I seriously cannot understand why we keep making movies with swords when guns exist.

Everyone knows about guns, right? Like these guns?

Forever.

*-*-*

God bless that man.

See you kids Tuesday,

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Posted on May 26, 2011, in Character, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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