So I Got Drunk and Watched Step Up 3D

What follows is my stream of consciousness reaction to Step Up 3D. I edited nothing in terms of spelling and grammar and only added words when necessary for comprehension. For example, anytime the “him” or “them” wasn’t immediately clear, I put the character’s name in, otherwise, everything is untouched.

This post has been brought to you by Binge Drinking and S’mores.

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  • Yes, sweet, it opens up with a blandly handsome guy asking people why they dance. It’s arty because I can see the invisible frame, battery life, and REC light on. I wish they had shot the intro in Polaroid. That would’ve really ripped my dick off. Cinematically, speaking, of course.
  • Is that a word?

Luke

  • We’re all dancers, guys. For real.
  • Ah, yes, guy wearing glasses without a prescription! Now, when our kids laugh at us, they can date us by Overalls Era, JNCO Age, and Hipster Period. You’re doing it, movies. You’re fucking doing it.
  • Nice, shooting himself in the reflection of a boom box. He is music. Music be he. Always send a message.
  • In all seriousness, this move is unbelievably earnest for a franchise founded on the charisma and presence of Channing Tatum. Tatum Channing. One’s a movie star. The other’s a country music star. I think.
  • No time for that, these bros gotta talk shoes. Nothing cooler than a guy who’s super into shoes.
  • This curly haired fuck’s name is Moose. He’s shorter than all the Asians. What’s mooselike.?

Moose.

  • Following those sweet dunks just led him to break dancing competition!
  • Oh no! Now he’s in the competition!
  • I’m sure all these flashy motherfuckers waiting in line to show off are cool with Cracker Johnson here cutting in line.
  • The shots taking advantage of the 3D, which I don’t have, are painfully obvious.
  • Oh no, the cops are chasing him and he made an enemy of an illegal dancing gang! Now what!?
  • Ah, some parkour will get him out of this.
  • Apparently the only criteria to prove street cred in this movie is the ability to do complicated fistbump combinations.
  • “You’re BFAB. Born from a boombox. Some people learn to dance. Others are born to.” In addition, New York is the world’s center for dancing.
  • Hove, would it kill you to maybe be a little more selective in who you let license your songs.
  • In their defense, they are really IN NEEEEWWW YOOOOOOOO-oooo-OOOOOOOOORK!
  • I hope this Luke doesn’t mean his house is literally filled with pirates.
  • Here’s our secret dance base. We dance here. Downstairs is a sweet club we use to make ends meet. You’re only as good as your last dance. Moose just joined the Justice League of B-Boys.
  • Sweet, they have a black friend!
  • 21st Century Immature are going to show him around.
  • THEY HAVE TO WIN THE BREAK DANCING COMPETITION TO SAVE THE DANCE BASE. THEY’RE GOING TO DO IT. THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE THAT THE PLOT AND RIDE THIS ROCKET TRAIN INTO HELL.
  • Hold, wait a fucking minute. All the advertising for this movie was about the hot brunette with the sexy ass. Where the hell is she?

Hey, Luke. Let's go be hot together.

  • Oh there she is. Her name is Natalie. She’s 22, a Sagittarius, and dancing is her favorite.
  • Everyone in this club is a professional dancer except this one white guy when Johnny Handsome is trying to shoot footage of the dancing girl. He’s the guy in the far right of the frame, white dude, doing a punching running man.
  • Oh man, the villains are actually following Moose around and DANCING AT HIM.
  • How is dancing alone in a bathroom going to prove who’s better without an audience?
  • Is the villain the Asian guy from Glee? Do the reverse fall Asian guy!
  • Handsome white guy stand off.
  • Nope not the Asian guy from Gleed.
  • They really do have white guys commanding a legion of minority dancers.
  • Sorry babe, but we train out in the streets. You bet your ass there’s some more parkour.
  • Just got flashed by a dude. Better ditch class.
  • Maybe you can’t make rent because you have an entire wall of designer sneakers.
  • Hipster with the glasses is of course the graffiti expert. Of course they have a graffiti expert.
  • They all eat together like the Lost Boys in Hook!
  • Capoeira fight! Or is it capoeira…FLIRTING?
  • The guy in charge of the crew is easily the worst dancer.
  • Luke doesn’t realize how talented he is until Hot Brunette points it out.
  • Sorry babe, I can’t play Scattergories while also not noticing your unrequited crush on me because I have to report to dance base.
  • Luke has so many lines. He’s the biggest douchebag on the face of the planet.  “I come up to listen. It makes me feel like I’m part of something bigger.” Die in a fire.
  • Ashton Kutcher. The male romantic lead, Luke, looks like Ashton Kutcher cross-bred with Josh Hartnett.
  • I love how our hero’s team always looks offended that the other team is never happy to see them.
  • The first team they go up against’s theme is S&M Junkyard Dogs Covered in Volcanic Ash.
  • They really do their best to put Luke in the back where you can’t see him. “Just get out of frame as fast as you can. The black guys will take care of the rest.”
  • Oh shit! The S&M Dawgz secret weapon! A spicy chola with kung0fu robot hands!
  • Goddamnit. I’m a sucker for a good robot dance. Especially if it’s a group of robots dancing.
  • Just fight and get it over with! It’s not a noble defusing of a situation if you get in each others’ faces, talk shit, and chest bump like two poseurs at a bar after the dance.
  • “My parents used to be dancers. So they built this place. But then they got shot in an alley. When I looked up to cry at the sky, I saw a bat breakdancing. That’s when I knew. I’d become a symbol. A Symbol of dancing. I’d become Bat-Dance. And I’d punish bad dancers or something.”
  • She called him Tarantino. What a bitch.
  • The chick from Moose’s old life , Camille, is going to do a two person costume with someone else. That’s how Moose knows he’s spent too much time with the Pirates League of Dancers.
  • Don’t make plans, Moose. Not when you’re on call to report to Dance Base at a moment’s notice.
  • How does that film academy sound amazing? You saw one ad for it on the side of a bus stop. Darlin,’ it’s a good thing you’re pretty.

  • I hate Luke. I really do. I don’t know if it’s because he’s tall and handsome and I’m not, or if he can’t go to film school because he’s too poor despite owning a secret state of the art dance base, club, wall of designer kicks, wears expensive clothes, and just told someone, with a straight face, that his shooting style for his films, which he has no faith in, is to “try and see things people don’t normally see.”
  • “Sorry, boss. We blew the entire budget on the 3D during the upward-blowing-fan-Icee-air-painting scene.”
  • I take it back, Luke likes Ashton Kutcher cross-bred with Adam Scott.

Rob Lowe would have also been a solid addition to this movie.

  • The Pirates at Dance Base are a bunch of dicks. Telling Moose to skip classes and ditch tests for the competition. Moose, you’ve known these guys like six minutes.
  • They’re telling children that this is what the world’s like. It’s all Dance Bases and bloodless rivalries, and pretty people making out under the Brooklyn Bridge, and the only way to prove something’s important is if you skip class for it. They make no mention of going to class still drunk from the night before, throwing up in someone’s yard while a girl somewhere behind you is screaming and crying about her boyfriend, or someone plugging up the toilet of your dorm and making the whole floor reek of shit. THAT’S Freshman Year.
  • Fuck you, the bad guy in the movie, Julien’s, real name is not ‘Joe Slaughter.’ Fuck off.

Julien, AKA Joe Slaughter, apparent-fucking-ly

  • The next dance takes place on the set of a “Big Trouble in Little China” remake.
  • The old betting Chinese people is a nice touch.
  • “But how will we get water ON the stage?!” “HmmmmmmmmmmBMX Tricks?” “That’s lunch.”
  • Moose is an odd-looking cat amongst all these high cheek boned hardbodies, but that motherfucker can dance.
  • They play Rock Band? I play Rock Band!
  • Oh shit, someone leaked a tape of their rehearsal! They can’t use those moves anymore. They’ll either have to buckle down and come up with only the freshest of moves, or scrap the plan and dance on instinct alone. Ideally both.
  • Of course Luke and Julien used to be best friends. Male models tend to cluster in packs, or “sietches.”
  • Man, someone should make Dune but like Game of Thrones.
  • I’m so pissed there’s no more Game of Thrones to look forward to on Sundays. No way in hell I can wait till next spring. I’m going to have to read all the books. Then be fucked after the second season is done. Fuck.
  • Oh man, I was thinking of the girl from Step Up 2 with the crazy ass.

Found it on a fan page. Yes, the Step Up series has dedicated fan pages.

  • Why do I know so much about the Step Up franchise?
  • “He threw a battke to win a bet?” She sounds so disgusted about the ugly side of dance battlin.’
  • Oh, you traitorous bitch. You leaked the rehearsal footage. Natalie, I can’t even believe it. I’m super shocked. It certainly wasn’t telegraphed by the long, lingering shot of you looking in a different direction from the rest of group when the rehearsal footage was posted online. Nope, not even a little bit.
  • Oh my God, the line that Julien crossed forcing Natalie to re-evaluate her status as a double agent is the knowledge her secret boyfriend, Julien, threw a dance battle to win a bet.
  • They keep talking about their dance crews as houses. Which house will win. Whose house will fall. So much political intrigue amongst the dancing. I really miss Game of Thrones.
  • D’oh. Not secret boyfriend/girlfriend, secret brother/sister. Though, I guess Julien and Natalie could get it on. Again, I truly miss Game of Thrones.
  • Julien just told Natalie that she needs to check herself.
  • Julien had better be gay. Because the actor portraying him is doing a really shitty job of playing a straight guy.
  • Jesus, he’s catty.
  • And now the character she’s never spoken to, will give Natalie really important advice about how to live her life.
  • Wait, if Luke and Julien used to be best friends, wouldn’t Luke know Julien’s sister?
  • “I don’t know if I have a messenger bag somber enough for this occasion.” — Luke, seconds after finding out Natalie left over her guilt of betraying his noble Pirate House of Dancing.
  • Luke is fucking user. “Skip out on plans you made months ago because I had a bad day.”
  • Nice, Luke and Moose are going to crash this high society party with their moves from the street.
  • Convenient how the female lead is the only one in this entire sequence not wearing a mask obscuring her face.
  • Chucks with a tuxedo?! Luke, you’re a goddamn loose cannon!
  • Luke is really fucking up Moose’s life. I’m really upset about this. When did I get invested in this movie?
  • Julien sent Luke the invite to the party, not Natalie! TWIST! In Luke’s defense, Natalie and Julien look nothing alike.  Julien is Hitler’s wet dream, and Natalie’s half Indian or Middle Eastern or something.
  • See, Moose? Luke just ruined your life because he’s a piece of shit.
  • Hahahahahaha, this is Luke’s big emotional scene and they’re not even shooting him talking. Just people looking at where he his offscreen. That’s the level of acting we’re dealing with here.
  • Now, Step Up 3D presents: People Looking Thoughtful While Wearing Headphones.
  • This sassy Asian kid wants her goddamn ice cream, Moose. Get to the back of the fucking line.
  • They’re making an honest to God effort to turn this into an old school musical complete with spontaneous coordinated dancing happening in the streets. But they left in the normal people reacting to crazy people getting down when they’re trying to work. What a weird fucking dynamic.
  • “I dance because dance can change things. One move can set whole entire generation free.” I hope that the screenwriters really poured themselves into this movie. I hope someone woke up in the middle of the night with that line forming in their brain up out of the ether, and that person strove and sweated to build a movie worthy of that line.
  • God, every person in this movie except for Moose’s friend from home, Camille, sucks. They’re just shitty, selfish people. Serve that guy his coffee, and then have a talk. It takes five seconds to pour a coffee. Don’t use someone else’s morning to make your goddamn point. Fuck.
  • There’s the Asian guy from Glee! Do the reverse fall Asian guy from Glee!
  • I’m going to pretend that the black with the straightened hair and glasses is Magnitude from Community.

  • The Robot specialist on the crew looks like a super buff Michael Rosenbaum.

This movie could use a lot more Luthor. Even if it's the Luthor from the JV Superman.

  • It’s the final battle. I don’t think Luke is even on stage.
  • I take it back, Julien isn’t a shitty performance. Joe Slaughter’s just the only guy who seems to understand the kind of movie he’s in. Chaining up two dudes and posing like they’re pitbulls in a DMX video while someone breakdances in front of him is somehow campiest thing I’ve ever seen, and the most honest moment in this whole movie.
  • Asian Guy from Glee, do the reverse fall! It’s the only way!

Fucker didn't reverse fall once.

  • How do we know the other team is winning? I don’t follow. This is like trying to follow roller derby the first time.
  • Man, this movie was written as being half Moose’s story, but he never showed up once in the advertising.
  • Wait, I think they had his line about dancing changing everything in a trailer.
  • Asian children breakdancing! Even better than the light-up suits. Call it. It’s over. The Pirates of Secret Dance Base win. Everyone go home.
  • His film, the one he barely believed in, got him admitted to Film Academy.
  • “Moose, you loose cannon, you’re the first person to double major in engineering and dance! You’re the first person in the history of education to be good at school AND the arts. I don’t know how this will work. You’ll have to go the PRESIDENT OF COLLEGE.”

  • The soundtrack of this movie ricochets back and forth between over-remixed dub step and somber pop treacle. It’s like Radio Disney clambered to life and made a movie.
  • I just realized how much watching this movie is going to fuck up what Netflix recommends to me.

Thank you, and good night.

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Posted on June 27, 2011, in Matt Loman, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. And to think I saw Drive Angry this weekend when I could have been watching this masterpiece instead! Bravo, good sir!

  2. Thank you for keeping the tradition of watching these kinds of films while drinking alive. When you make it here to visit, finally, we’re going to marathon shit like this until our livers pack up and leave.

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