Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

Guys, we dodged a bullet.

Hug it out, bros. Hug. That. Shit. Out.

Football’s coming back. We’ll all have something to do in the Fall. Be it cookouts with friends, ordering pizza and parking yourself in front of the TV, or driving around in stolen car so it can’t be traced back to you and running over every mother fucker in a Patriots’ or Chargers’ jersey, one of the best parts of autumn is returned to us.

This is not only a good thing for football fans, but for the rest of the nation. Perhaps if management and labor and can get together on something like this; something that has immediate and obvious winners and losers, and not just in terms of money and clout, but in the black and white demarcations of losses, then maybe the government can come together over this debt ceiling thing and maybe, just maybe, get their heads out of their asses and govern the goddamn country.

This dick.

I’m not trying to scare the Democrats, those spineless pussies, or the Republicans, they who would build thrones with the bones of the poor and middle class, but seriously, if we default on our loans and government collapses, the NFL is primed to take over America.

They have the infrastructure between handling a giant budget and the experience managing so many different teams to make a go of running the country. It won’t be a huge leap to manage an economy on a larger scale with so many different agencies and departments.

On a state and city level, team front offices are used to juggling between on field talent and off the field support staff, and numerous revenue streams. Your city’s team could easily become that state’s governing body. States with multiple teams would either divide up territory, or strike out on their own in team-less states. Any territory left unclaimed will be deemed ‘wasteland’ and left to the marauders and those cast out of this shining tomorrow.

Let’s say life as we know it lurches to a halt, and the economy collapses who, will maintain order in the new and tumultuous world? The police? Our overstretched, and largely overseas, armed forces?

How about bands of blood-crazed NFL players?

Who will oppose the mutants and genetic freaks that populate the National Football League? I’m not saying that to be mean or to cheap shot the fine men of the gridiron, I’m just pointing out that they have guys who can bench 500 pounds, weigh 350, and can run the 40 in 4.2 seconds.

That guy's dead. I just showed you a picture of a murder.

That, children, is unnatural. Or it’s perhaps the next stage of evolution. It’s possible that Professor Xavier is full of shit and the next-stage of humanity won’t be hairless supermodels in leather pants, but savage brutes that can literally explode through another human being in tights. The way Jack Kirby intended.

There’s not that many people in the NFL you say? What about practice squads? What about if the Nation United in Football (NUF) amends its own constitution and allows teams to expand rosters, then all the Americans abroad in Europe and the CFL, as well as the “just misses” from the college level, can join a team and bust some heads where it really counts, the streets.

I'm so excited he's going to be on Community.

The Game is the Game is the Game.

Some of you may not think it’s possible that the NFL could take over the USA. You naysayers do not have the same Twitter feed as me.

People were way, way, way, WAY, more upset about the football lockout than the debt ceiling negotiations. People were acting like the parents died when Amy Winehouse died, but the domestic terror attacks in Norway, a country way more chill and relaxed than the US, barely registered. Our inability to focus on actual problems is astounding and can only be used by Herr Goodell and all of his billionaire cronies against us.

"I'm here to do three things 1.) Coach a team. 2.) Balance the budget. 3.) Suck some motherfuckin' toes."

If you don’t think that fans would listen to a head coach or starting quarterback on TV, possibly sitting in a tank, commanding all loyal supporters to overthrow some bland white guy that sits in the governor’s mansion or represents them in Congress, you’re out of your fucking mind.

Obama’s great, but if Dwight Freeney told me to go burn down city hall or start throwing Molotov cocktails at riot cops, believe me, that shit is getting done right quick.

I OBEY.

It’s not like another sport’s going to stop them. Hockey doesn’t have the numbers or budget. Basketball’s on strike, and those pussies would probably flop constantly on the battlefield. So who does that leave?

MLS?

Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa. ah…

Disclaimer: I actually love soccer. 2nd Disclaimer: this is a comedy blog. Exaggeration happens. 3rd Disclaimer: It kills me to use a picture of him in the US jersey. 4th Disclaimer: Fuck Landon. Clint Dempsey for life.

…give me a second….whoo… could you imagine Landon Donovan try to tell Ray Lewis what to do…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAOh…oh fuck…my ribs and face…oh shit…gonna need about ten to get my shit together…

...and thus the world burns.

So the MLS is out. Where would the US government look for salvation? Baseball?

The greatest thing you can do offensively in baseball is punctuated by a casual trot. Just some giant guy wearing one shin guard trundling around the bases, candy falling out of his pockets, as we watch replays of a ball sailing into the stands. The greatest thing you can do defensively is prevent everyone else on either team from playing. Dick move, pitcher. Dick move.

I fully admit that baseball is not for me. I’m awful at it. I don’t really understand it. I don’t have the patience for it. I don’t have the head for numbers to follow all the statistics, nor do I possess the necessary respect for said statistics.

This is the only baseball player I know. Well, Griffey Jr.

But the only thing I can think of worse and less exciting than watching a no hitter, would be an almost no hitter where someone makes contact and gets on base in the eighth inning.

That’s a burn, but again, I fully acknowledge that I, too, am into lots of stuff that’s not for everyone that a lot of folks find to be really dumb.

So there it is, football’s back, but the economy might shit itself all over again.

I’d say we broke even.

PS – I’ll take a fixed economy and no football if it means this becomes a series.


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Posted on July 28, 2011, in Matt Loman, Sports and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I posted your article and a friend of mine had this comment. Its not quite in the spirit of relating current events to each other but it does call into question, who would patrol the country the best? My vote is for a combination of all the major sports leagues.

    “I would take the baseball players against football players any day. Baseball players have a two pronged assault plan. They have bat wielding infantry and a ball launching long range attack. Also, think of all those country boys in baseball that love to fish, hunt, and kill. They will be expert riflemen as well. Not only can Baseball player feed himself, conceal himself in the woods, but it can rifle a 98 mph fastball at your head.”

    • Bah I actually ended up reading his comment before finishing the article (and seeing the other sports).

      I think a coalition of the sports is the way to go. Ranks would go: Football players (for the up front bruising), Baseball players (bat to the head), and then Soccer and Basketball players (quickness=used as flankers). Also during the winter, particularly in cold states, you have the baddest asses of all, Hockey players. Basically you don’t want to fuck up in the winter (foot razors, wooden scythes, just as much hitting power as football players due to speed).

      Biggest issue? These motherfuckers get paid more than the entire current government. How in the hell could we afford them?

  2. C’mon. Most baseball players are Latino and they are not celebrated game hunters. Expert riflemen. Pfffft.

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