Dear Ralphs, Your Box of Raisins Was One Dollar Cheaper On “The Price Is Right”

by Margaret Reed

To Rico Hernandez, Manager of the Ralph’s On Western and Melrose,

Yes, I know that is your name. I asked the nice black security man who the manager was last night and he pointed me at your photo on the wall. I must say, I have never seen you in the store, and I’m there every day from 6:00AM to 6:40AM.

For over twenty years I have been a loyal patron of your store, including the six months it was a Big Lots. That was not a good time; I got terrible indigestion from their off-brand yogurt.

I was recently shocked to watch an episode of The Price is Right and see the listed retail price for a box of Raisinette was one dollar lower than what you charged me this week.

What the fuck.

I won’t even start on about how much I miss Bob Barker because Lord I do. Once he came to me in a dream years ago and told me to keep the child I had out of wedlock. That baby became Jared, who now takes care of me. Needless to say, I respect Bob Barker a great deal. He would never lie. I now expect the same economic truth from Drew Carey. He was nice on that show where they made up characters and that black man didn’t frighten me.

Where do you get the nerve to charge more for raisins? Do you know how easy it is to make raisins? You buy grapes and set them out in the sun. I do that sometimes when I feel like saving money. No, I have not done the math to see if it actually costs less. The people who make that fine program probably spend thousands of dollars per episode, and they’re giving prizes away far beyond anything on your Manager’s Discount shelf.

Let’s get to the real root of the problem; if I had been a contestant on the show I would’ve lost. I have no other game show to be on. I will not be shamed by dressing like a fool on “Let’s Make A Deal” and who knows what’s happening on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” anymore? This show is my last shot at fame and respect. I have done nothing with my life. Five children came from my womb, and I have done nothing. The hope that I may grace that overly lit stage before they lay me into the ground (it could happen at any moment!) is one of the few things holding me together. And I can’t just be on the show, I must DOMINATE. A woman in our apartment building, Loretta Walker, was on the show a few years ago, during the Barker Era. That whore. Loretta lost to Cliff Hangers. Cliff Hangers! She let the little plastic man go over the edge and never even picked a price! Needless to say, Loretta was isolated from the women’s group and hasn’t been seen since. She could be up in that small apartment eating her hair, or her cats could slowly be digesting her dead corpse for nutrients. Both are too good for her.

I will be in tomorrow to get a dollar back on the Raisinettes and to revoke my free membership. I will be getting all my groceries from the CVS Pharmacy across the street from now on.

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on January 19, 2012, in Chad Quandt, Pop Culture, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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