Forgot About Bay

By Michael Bay

What the fuck is this fucking shit? Avengers crushes the record for opening weekend gross? They took the record that I earned with my blood, sweat, and cinematic seminal fluids from me?

You come at me, Michael Bliz-ow Bli-zay, the one summer I take off to gather my strength to make a comedy and prep for Transformers 4: a World without Shia, and you think I wouldn’t notice?

You think you’re the fucking king of summer, Avengers? You think Bliggity Bay get soft?

Now you want to run around, talking about breakdancing robots tearing each other arms off, like I ain’t got none? You think I sold them all, just because I’m well off?

Think you can talk that shit like it won’t get back to me? Like I’m not everywhere?

Motherfuckers think you can forget about Bay?

War, it is.

I will fill the sky with cutting edge air-craft. I will crush your farms and raze your crops. I will reduce your civilizations to ash for this insult. I’m going to buttfuck the Avengers back to the Stone Age with all these tanks the Army gave me.

Assistant: Actually, Mr. Bay-
 Bay: AAA-hem!

Asst.: Actually, Miggity Mike-

Bay: Thank you ever so much.

Asst.: The Avengers didn’t take the record from you-

Bay: FUCK and YES. I knew it; the numbers I saw weren’t confirmed. Jumped the gun, eh, Hollywood, you sexy-ass bitch mistress? A little premature, huh? You know who that never happens to? Do you know who never comes too early?

Asst.: Miggity Mike.

Bay: Miggity FUCKING Mike. That’s why we tape every fuck sesh I have! To watch tape! If it’s good enough for the NFL, it’s goddamn good enough for me! By the way, did we convert last night’s thing with the Ukranian talk show host?

Asst: Yes, we did, sir. It’s on Blu-Ray and we uploaded it to your private Vimeo account.

Bay: How’s it look?

Asst: Crystal clear picture and very well-lit, it’s just an unfortunate angle–

Bay: Undercarriage?

Asst: Yes, sir, lots of long shots of your balls.

Bay: 3D really turned my shooting style around. My fucking’s been taken to a whole new level with all those long unbroken shots. The jump cuts were exciting, but I wasn’t learning all the lessons I could have. Has Cage seen it yet?

Shooting at the walls of heartache/ Bang, bang!/ I am the warrior/ Well, I am the warrior/ And heart to heart you’ll win/ If you survive the warrior, the warrior

Asst: Yes, sir. He described the sound of your genitalia hitting that poor woman’s thighs as, “hypnotic to the nth degree. It is the sound that summons sanity to the higher planes.”

Bay: Goddamn, he is out of his fucking mind. Love it. LOVE IT. My whole day just turned around. Still the king of the box office and the emperor of fucking–

Asst: Well, actually, sir, the Avengers, did break the weekend gross, but they didn’t take it from you; they took if from Harry Potter.

Bay: FUCKING HARRY GODDAMN POTTER SHIT! Don’t get me wrong, I liked seeing those hot sluts grind on their broomsticks like in that documentary Cage showed me.

Asst: Whatever he showed you was almost certainly pornography.

More like, “Not Safe For Witches.” See what I did there? Did you? Did you see it?

Bay: No, the Bitches for Beastdick, is a documentary. All the chicks had bush.

Asst: It was probably an older movie back before being completely shaved was the norm in the industry.

Bay: SICK.

Asst: Yes, sir, very disgus-

Bay: BARF.

Asst: Sir, If–

Bay: BARF MY MOUTH.

Asst: This is little over exag-

Bay: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Asst: No idea, sir.

Bay: Okay, so Harry Potter took from me, but I can wipe out their cast and production team easily. Except the Avengers still beats me. There has to be a way I can get them in one place. It wouldn’t be that hard, and I could ask the Joint Chiefs to drop a MOAB on the site, and then it’s a matter of infiltrating–

Asst: Sir, I’m not positive who Harry Potter took the record from, but it wasn’t us.

Bay: …excuse me?

Asst: While your total box-office grosses put you in the elite of the movie world, and you will almost certainly join the lifetime billion dollar gross club, but we did not hold that record.

Bay: Are you sure? Are you positive? Is it possible it slipped by me during a a reverse gang bang or when I was out in the desert tripping on mescalin and fighting my spirit animal to control my own destiny with Cage?
 Asst: It’s just, generally, when we do break records of this nature we celebrate by crashing a commercial aircraft into a cruise ship or triggering an avalanche to collide with a speeding train, or pushing all those bookmobiles out of a cargo plane. But it’s been awhile since we’ve done anything like that.

Bay: How did this happen? I ran shit. I am the alpha explosion. I will be there to sound the death knell of this world. Have I been forgotten?

Asst: Sir, you’re still a box office guarantee but you’re just not, you know–

Bay: The best? King Shit of Fuck You Mountain? The Big Swinging Thunder Cock?

Asst: -doing projects like these. You said it yourself, Transformers 2 wasn’t great and that hurt word of mouth. And you took a break during one of the biggest summers in recent memory. Even if we don’t look at Dark Knight Rises and Ridley Scott’s return to big-budget genre fare, the Avengers is still going to make this a huge season because it’s sort of the first of its kind. Big budget, all A-listers for the main cast, a five movie lead-in, well-written.

Bay: Oh, fuck you. Throwing that in my face! I write every sequel as a dare! Bad Boys 2, a dare! Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, a dare! Armageddon 2: Rock Fuckers, a dare! So pardon me if I don’t have time to sit in a room and queef all over a keyboard and flick my bean to feet like Tarantino! Has the world lost their fucking cock and balls?! What’s it even about?
 Asst: A group of dysfunctional superheroes come together to stop an alien invasion led by a mad god.

Bay: My dick moved a little. Who’re the superheroes?

Asst: Well, there’s Captain America.

Bay: What’s his deal?

Asst: He’s a super soldier who throws an indestructable shield hard enough to kill people, and his suit looks like if the American flag could be a person.

Bay: So what you’re saying is: if he was real, we’d be best friends?

Asst: There’s Thor, a viking warrior god who swings a giant hammer and shoots lightning at ice monsters.

Bay: So what you’re saying is: if he was real, we’d be best friends?

Asst: Hawkeye is a master archer -

Bay: PASS.

Asst: -who shoots exploding arrows into people’s eye sockets.

Bay: So what you’re saying is: if he was real, we’d be best friends?

Asst: Black Widow is an assassin and while she has no powers -

Bay: A chick? Are you fucking serious?

Asst: 

Bay: That is every one of my fetishes combined into a single perfect woman. I would very much like to fuck that until my dick gets worn off.

Asst: Iron Man is a genius inventer/playboy who invented a suit of armor that turns him into a jet tank that plays AC/DC at all times.

Bay: That is my new spirit animal. Does he want to get wasted together?

Asst: He’s a fictional character played by a sober in real life Robert Downey Jr.

Man, this guy really knows how to take a second chance and just run with it.

Bay: AA has ruined more awesome weekends than it has saved lives. That is a fact.

Asst: There’s the Hulk who is giant green anger monster that can punch a building in half and missiles bounce off of him.

Bay: Like–like all the time?

Asst: Only when he’s angry. He’s the patron saint of drunks. He goes nuts, but he only turns into a rage monster because being crazy and destructive helps everyone.

Bay: Okay, fuck Tank Guy, THAT is my new spirit animal. Holy shit, this is like, my entire wheelhouse. Did we pass on this script?

Fuck your plane.

Asst: We never got it. They went right to Joss Whedon.

Bay: Who the fuck is Josh Whedon?

Asst: Joss Whedon.

Bay: Josh Whedon.

Asst: JOSS Whedon.

Bay: That’s what I’m saying, Josh Whedon.

Asst: No, not JoSH Whedon. JoSS Whedon.

Bay: JoSH Whedon.

Asst: No. JoSSSSSSSSS.

Bay: JoSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH.

Asst: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Bay: SSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Asst: I’m going to write it down.

Bay: You misspelled “Josh.”

Asst: That’s how he spells his name.

Bay: That’s a weird way to spell “Josh.”

Asst: It’s not “Josh.”

Bay: Oh! “JoSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.”

Asst: Sweet fucking Jesus, yes. “Joss.”

Bay: That’s a bullshit made-up name.

Asst: Actually it’s Chinese. It can mean a household spirit that looks after the family or simply “good luck.”

Bay: A Chinese? *produces two pairs of nunchuks from nowhere* How good’s his wushu?
 Asst: He’s actually white.

Bay: Whahahahahahat am I looking at? This-this-this…pile owns the opening weekend record?

Joss Whedon is my master now.

Asst: This writer-director stomped the living dick out of the record. *beat* I might be spending too much time at work.

Bay: My peen just moved in the weirdest way.

Asst: Fantastic.

Bay: Would you like to see it?

Asst: No, thank you.

Bay: Then I’m going to have to turn it into a murder boner. Where the fuck did this guy come from?

Asst: Television.

Bay: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAgo on.

Asst: He started writing on Roseanne.

Bay: Jesus.

Asst: Did some script doctoring on Speed, and wrote the scripts for Toy Story and Alien Resurrection. Ran a couple shows, Buffy the Vampire Slayer-

Oh, this old thing?

Bay: I’ve seen that one!

Asst: It’s not a porn.

Bay: Ah.

Asst: It’s about a typical California high school girl that also fights vampires-

Bay: Get every copy of that we can and -

Asst: -that functioned as a feminist pop-allegory-

Bay: Fuckin’ pass.

Asst: Angel was about a vampire detective. Firefly’s a western set in space, and Dollhouse was a series about beautiful people that can be programmed to have certain skill sets or personalities, and then be rented out to the rich and powerful. Afterward, the mind is wiped and these “dolls” don’t remember a thing.

Bay: Why am I just now hearing about those? Especially the last one? Is that a real thing? Answer the second question first.
 Asst: It’s not real, and the reason you haven’t heard about any of these is because they weren’t budgeted for mega-explosions, none of the characters ever wore a chain mail bikini, and no one crashed a Ferrari into a Jaguar exhibit.

Bay: Fuck you. I’m sorry, but fuck you. I take personal offense to that. I’m sorry I made a fortune shooting the movies giant studios want. I’m sorry that I’m in demand and some people feel that I’m worth the price they pay for my services. I’m sorry that as an artist, yes an artist, someone who creates media to be viewed by the public, that I have a distinct style. Pardon me for creating a motion-picture signature. I’m a lot, A LOT, deeper than most people give me credit for and I think that some of these high-concept ideas would appeal to me. Hell, my next picture’s not even an action movie. It’s a dark comedy.

Asst: What’s it about?

Bay: ‘Roided out Mark Wahlberg. Asst: Sir, if I were you, I’d just walk away. At least until Transformers 4 or Bad Boys 3. I’m sure the new project will be great, but it’s not exactly a blockbuster. Beat them at the game they’re playing.

Bay: Fuck that. I’ma burn down Josh Weellen’s house. Where’s he live? Malibu? Calabasas? Brentwood? Thousand Oaks? Beverly Hills?

Asst: I believe he has a house in Santa Monica.

Bay: Santa Monica? What is he, a homeless?

Asst: Sir, there are some fantastic homes in that area. In fact, it’s extremely affluent -

Bay: At least when we firebomb his house, I don’t have to worry about getting important people in the collateral damage. We are going code red on this motherfucker! I want choppers in the air! I want ex-Spetsnaz commandos in those choppers! In the air!  Call in my favors from the Pentagon and get me two F-22 Raptors loaded for war! Tell the LAPD I have to borrow their armored entry vehicle, again! I want to roll through the wall of his dismal little shanty-town kingdom and look him the eye when I take his life! Then we burn down the studio that spurned Miggity Mike! Who hired this fuck?

Asst: Disney.

*Imperial Death March*

Bay: Stand down. We are standing down. Get those choppers out of the sky. Return the commandos to that weird basement they work out in. Reset us to whatever the opposite of code red is.

Asst: There is no other code than red, sir. You wouldn’t allow it. You wanted us “in a constant state of feral white-hot intensity. Always ready to burn down the world in my unholy name.”

Bay: Well, invent a new code, because we’re are not crossing Disney.

Asst: Sir, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m overjoyed I don’t have to watch men and women die today, but this is unlike you.

Bay: Disney has private armies. Not army. Armies. I have a few fireteams and a couple snipers. They make more money than countries that are part of the G12. They influence more people and policymakers than the UN. We. Do. Not. Fuck. With. The Mouse.
 Asst: Wow.

Bay: They also have the cryogenically frozen corpse of Hitler and if they ever don’t get their way, they’ll put him in a giant robot battle suit and unleash him on the world.

Asst: There’s no way that’s accurate.

Bay: OR IS IT THE MOST ACCURATE THING I’VE EVER SAID?
 *-*-*

Matt

And because I wasn’t going to download it and not use it:

Posted on May 10, 2012, in Character, Comics, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture, Television, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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