Author Archives: mattloman

NFL CAPSULE PREVIEWS (WEEK 9): “DRAMATIC SHIFT!” EDITION

Wazzup my ninjas? There seems to have been an issue with the arbitrary Olivia Munn rating system. Just as I was making a few more tweaks to the machine it suddenly exploded, and then Hurricane Sandy further delayed repairs. “But the hurricane didn’t hit during week 7!” you say. My response? I was dealing with things and being lazy.

A Belated Happy Halloween.

So what is the reason for me jumping ahead in the timeline? Well, my time machine doesn’t work, so what I am doing here is providing previews of the upcoming matches instead of reviews of the previous week’s games, long after people have stopped caring about them (by which I mean Tuesday) and moved on. If anyone wishes for me to return to the previous format, feel free to drop a comment here, or on the Twitter.

Teams with byes: Patriots, Jets, Rams and 49ers. In other words, teams that people want to watch, and the Rams too.

***All Pictures Posted by Matt Who Doesn’t Have a Problem with Ms. Munn***
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Disney Buying LucasFilm Might Be a Good Thing

Possibly the best thing.

I think the initial reaction was a whole lot of “WTF” because it came out of nowhere. My job enables me to spend a lot of time dicking around on the internet, A LOT OF TIME, but I hadn’t heard any rumblings or rumors or anything until the press release was, uh, released.

After the dust settled and we realized it wasn’t an Onion article, my Twitter feed was filled with a lot of cynicism and worry about the acquisition and what that could mean for many people’s favorite franchise.

I must ask; will it be worse than what Lucas himself has been doing with it? The constant adjustments to the movies? The deciding what is and isn’t canon at whim? The Kinect dancing game?

Jar-Jar goddamn Binks?

We’ve seen the bottom, children.

As in all things, there is a lot of stuff that can go wrong, however; if we all take a step back and look at this with clear eyes and our hearts free of the knee-jerk Nerd Rage that so easily can envelope us, that maybe, just maybe, we’ll realize Disney’s acquisition of LucasFilm is a good thing.

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NFL Capsule Reviews Week 06: “F–K YOU I’M MOURNING” Edition

Guess I’m back to not-caring about baseball again. With hockey still locked out, the Wizards still being the Wizards and very little attention paid to the MLS (vamos United!) or the WNBA (it still exists!) it’s up to football to keep everyone’s attention away from more important things, like the election between More Effective Evil and Less Compassionate Evil in a few weeks.

Olivia at the ESPY’s. Boom. Double Relevant. Except for the actual ESPY awards which are forever irrelevant. We already have a way to figure out who’s the best at sports. It’s called “Sports.” — Management

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NFL CAPSULE REVIEWS (WEEK 5): “When You Have The Flu” Edition

Adam here, once again.

I actually have a reason for being late this time. I was dozing off much earlier than usual on Sunday. So I drove myself home, slept through the 4PM games (missing a couple of big blowouts), and woke up with a major sick bug that kept me from doing much. So this week I’m turning the recaps over to Sun Tzu, author of “So You Have the Flu, a.k.a. The Art of War (When You Have The Flu).”

[ dramatic reenactment of what I was doing while sick]


“Oh look at me! My name’s Adam and I write shitty one-paragraph reviews of football games that no one reads because they’ve already moved on to the next week by the time Matt and I actually get around to posting them in a blog that everyone, even the original authors, stopped caring about half a year ago! Someone please hire me to do something that thousands of fanboys across the country do for free with funnier jokes and better knowledge of the game!”

Way to rub it in Sun Tzu.

“Hey, not my fault you forgot my lessons. So about Manchester United in the–”

Uh, Sun Tzu? Wrong football.

“What? I’m just saying that the Champions Cup was a lot more fun that this American version of football. Now shut up and rest while you have the flu. I’ll do this column for you.” Read the rest of this entry

NFL WEEK 4 Capsule Reviews: “How Many Different Ways Can You Say They Suck?” Edition

Hello everyone, Adam here again with some late[-breaking] reviews for week 4 and a small preview of week 5.

Our Matron Saint of Arbitrary Ratings.

Colts and Steelers had the week off, for all the help it will give them. Read the rest of this entry

Suck It, Future-Me: Looper Review

“I’m from the future. Go to China.”

I’m not going to recap the plot. Every blog, website, and newspaper article has tried their hand at summing up the story.

note: I tried very hard to stay spoiler-free, but it’s hard to do that with a movie like this

Speaking from experience, both personal and via the hundreds of pieces of media I’ve consumed, there comes a very special time in a young man’s life when he tells an older, wiser, and more versed person to go to Hell.

It doesn’t matter what this person says, knows, or has lived, the young man is sure that whatever that person is telling him isn’t true.

“You don’t know.”

“What happened to you won’t happen to me.”

“I’m better.”

“Smarter.”

“Meaner.”

“Luckier.”

“It does not matter. It will not, ever, happen to me like it happened to you.”

These young men are wrong, of course. Most of the time it’s chalked up to universal truths that must leave their mark. These are lessons that can’t be taught; they must be felt. These are the mistakes that are made when youthful exuberance meets ignorance.

And there is no force on Earth, not even time travel, not even a future version of you who has literally made every choice you want to, telling you, to your face, that there is  a better way.

This is one of the two major thematic elements of Looper, and this narrative thread is begun with a fantastic scene, glimpsed for a few seconds in the trailer, of Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt having a sit down to discuss just what is going on; what is going to happen, and what the other guy plans to do about it. Read the rest of this entry

NFL Capsule Reviews: Week 03

Hello everyone, Adam again. Hope you survived your Yom Kippur out there. Or if you were the asshole posting pictures of food on your Jewish friend’s Facebook wall on Wednesday I hope you get hit by a crashing biplane.

Is Jewish, played football – Management

The Emmys have come and gone. The only things I remember include [whatshername] from Modern Family using her acceptance speech to talk about “nipple covers” for some reason, Louis CK managing to win an award, that guy from Two and a Half Men winning best actor in a comedy series, and the vast majority of awards going to Modern Family, Homeland and [other show] while BBC’s Sherlock, Mad Men and [other show] were left out in the cold. If Elementary ends up winning an award in next year’s Emmys while Sherlock does not I’m going to have to tie a raw pork chop each around the necks of the nominating committee and drop them off in Boro Park.

There, happy? There’s your weekly dose of pop culture-slash-Jewish snark from this site. Now it’s time we talk about something people actually watched: football. Read the rest of this entry

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