Author Archives: Nonstop Karate

Destructobox: “Thparticus”

We love Destructobox at Nonstop Karate, partly because co-creator Joey Reinisch is part of our wrestling tag-team of writers LOLJK. If you enjoyed DB’s “Box Lunch” short on Mondo Media, you might have noticed some wonderful Television background audio. In fact, you might have said “Shut up, main characters. What is that beautiful voice I hear?”. That would be myself and the wonderful Aaron Waltke improvising what our hearts truly lust for: gay sex scenes in Showtime shows.

So Today’s Just Miley Day

We didn’t plan this. We really didn’t. Somehow Monday is becoming all about Miley Cyrus. In the course of 24 hours her music has become a lightning rod for the Afghanistan war, and it’s now channeled the 1990s all in four minutes. When watching this, think of the 50-60 dads there; they lived grunge. And their daughters are screaming like cats in heat for the biggest middle finger to a generation.

I don’t know why I can’t stop laughing. Why am I crying? Is this blood coming out of my eyes?

Nonstop Karate is So Fresh Prince and So Clean

“Fresh Prince and so Clean” is a rap song, right?

Nonstop Karate is making design changes. Awkward and lanky, like a horny teenager that writes for this blog. We’re trying to make it easier to dig through our archive, because lord knows this stuff isn’t time-sensitive. We also hope to make navigating between our features like Moments of Brilliance and Michael Bay Adventures (Just named it that. Probably won’t stick).

Let’s all ease into this slowly.

Dear Celebs: There are Doings Afoot Edition

Sometimes me shouting at rich people for being too dumb, too pretty, very famous for doing very little, or not wanting to let me sex them isn’t enough.

There’s a lot of shit that goes down in Hollywood (well, actually the Valley, unless it’s Paramount. Or in Marina Del Ray /inside baseball) and much of it needs me to shout at it.

So today will be less gossip column stuff and more behind the scenes stuff.

Though, I’m sure at some point I’ll find a way to yell at an actress or model. Apparently women are into that.

*-*-*

Dear George Takei,

There goes my hero/watch him as he goes/

You’re doing the Lord’s work.

Read the rest of this entry

This Exists: Figwit Lives!

If you’re not aware, Bret McKenzie has a small role in Lord of The Rings. It’s our generation’s George-Harrison-cameo-in-Life-of-Brian.

I’ve lived the last few years of my life, content with that small part of pop-culture trivia (show it off to friends when you’re having a screening of The Fellowship or Return of the King). Then I discovered Figwit Lives. A fansite dedicated to Bret’s character in the movie, who has one line and mostly stands in the background. You can read all the details on the site or the character’s Wikipedia, that was obviously made by the site’s creator.

I can understand a more-attractive background model grabbing your attention. That happens every night at a Christina Aguilera concert. There’s a difference here with Figwit; Bret McKenzie is already famous. There are other places to learn more about Bret and gawk at him, places like the rest of the internet.

Read the rest of this entry

Non-Lethal Ways to Stop Criminals

I think my little sister should have five. And an actual gun.

Last week, at work, I overheard a conversation about a young man who got tased because he did something the police didn’t like. Apparently, if you drive drunk, run into something on the sidewalk, and then run when those busybody cops show up, they will take offense and punish you for said youthful transgression.

Here comes the pain.

This young man was tased because you can’t shoot him. He’s not worth shooting. You don’t waste bullets on a guy who took out a trashcan and a bin that holds X-rated newspapers. You shoot killers, werewolves, zombies, and people who talk on their phone at the movies.

Tasers. Pfffft.

That is science. Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: The Heroically Super Edition

Dear Wonder Woman Marketing Team.

Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?

Turns out a hot girl in tight clothing doesn't just make everything okay.

You’ve made someone who’s supposed to be a warrior, diplomat, and in the TV series, a CEO look like she bought her costume off the rack of a Halloween store that specializes in “sexy costumes” (see also: whore). Read the rest of this entry

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