Author Archives: Chad Quandt

Tom Scharpling Live-Tweets Gov. Chris Christie Choking On A Scone At Starbucks

On President’s Day 2012, WFMU host Tom Scharpling tweeted a long recap of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie choking on scones, ordering a large amount of drinks, dissing The Decemberists, and calling his assistant repeatedly from the bathroom. None of this is news, and none of this is likely to hurt Christie in his eventual re-election bid. There are likely not many Decemberists fans in Jersey.

If this story was a courtroom, Comedian/Radio Host/Sulk Tom Scharpling’s tweets would probably not be allowed in as evidence. Who is to prove this man’s digital words ring true? He is a hostile witness to be sure. But let’s give the man a benefit of a doubt. Or at least check the receipts of the Starbucks he was at; if there are several “green drinks without whipped cream” charged, then the case is closed.

Regardless of your feelings on Gov. Christie, savor this slice of life of a public official. On a day we recognize our founding fathers for fighting the British or something, one of our public servants came down from his ivory tower and dined with us. To have a record of the occasion is cause alone for celebration.

After the jump, the entire story organized for your enjoyment. It contains gems like this:

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Michael Jackson’s “Liberian Girl” Is A Perfect Time Capsule of The 80s

Welcome to 1989. Let’s play a game: can you watch all of Michael Jackson’s 1989 music video Liberian Girl and count how many stars with cameos are still successful today?

A deep critical analysis and some essential Dan Aykroyd gifs like this one after the jump.

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Dear Ralphs, Your Box of Raisins Was One Dollar Cheaper On “The Price Is Right”

by Margaret Reed

To Rico Hernandez, Manager of the Ralph’s On Western and Melrose,

Yes, I know that is your name. I asked the nice black security man who the manager was last night and he pointed me at your photo on the wall. I must say, I have never seen you in the store, and I’m there every day from 6:00AM to 6:40AM.

For over twenty years I have been a loyal patron of your store, including the six months it was a Big Lots. That was not a good time; I got terrible indigestion from their off-brand yogurt.

I was recently shocked to watch an episode of The Price is Right and see the listed retail price for a box of Raisinette was one dollar lower than what you charged me this week.

What the fuck.

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Nothing says metal like used cars and flip-flops

“Sarah’s Key” Review: How a Pregnant Woman is Equivalent Drama to The Holocaust

The opening of Sarah’s Key, a French drama based off a best-selling book of the same name, is promising; our titular character hides her brother in a locked closet as French police take her and the rest of her Jewish family off to concentration camps. They become part of the Vel’ d’Hiv Roundup; a Nazi-ordered mass arrest in Paris by French Police that resulted in over thirteen thousand Jews being held at the nearby Velodrome d’Hiver. The Velodrome is a massive indoor racing track, and as the harassed shuffle in for days of sweltering conditions without bathrooms or water (where many obviously died), the viewer braces themselves for another dark but at least new story of The Holocaust.

Five minutes later this part of the story ends and we follow Sarah who hopelessly races back to Paris to rescue her little brother still locked in a secret closet. The main arc isn’t anything new, but it’s rather understood that we as good progressive people will watch any well-shot Holocaust movie as our little penance to the horrible atrocity that happened. Since we didn’t step in sooner, we will watch a hundred movies of starving people shuffled into barns in the wilderness.

Here’s the curveball Sarah’s Key throws you, viewers: the majority of the movie jumps away from little Sarah and focuses on modern-day Julia; a journalist researching the event and tracking down what happened to our little survivor-to-be. Most of this time is spent as Julia dreads an oncoming pregnancy and moving. Let me restate this: we spend most of the movie with a rich woman worrying about her apartment and her baby. Read the rest of this entry

The Real Horror of “The Butterfly Effect”

Credit goes to The Butterfly Effect for existing and Ashton Kutcher for inventing Twitter.

Arkham City’s Ending: “The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same…”

Batman: Arkham City’s major flaw was repetitive, uninspired boss fights which culminated in a final confrontation with the Joker where you punch him a lot. The conclusion, where a Titan-infused (Think Bane’s venom formula) Joker takes you on one-on-one, didn’t do justice to the rest of the game’s atmosphere and “strike from the darkness” gameplay. The sequel Arkham City seems to have taken heed to fans’ complaints. Not only do the boss fights vary, but writer Paul Dini gives a story so conclusive that it will keep the series from falling into the same repetitive, “nothing ever changes” cycle the comics that inspired it suffer from.

It’s going to get real spoilery in here. Go buy this game. Beat it. Explode into your Robin underoos. Come back and read this.

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