Category Archives: Matt Loman
Forgot About Bay
By Michael Bay
What the fuck is this fucking shit? Avengers crushes the record for opening weekend gross? They took the record that I earned with my blood, sweat, and cinematic seminal fluids from me?
You come at me, Michael Bliz-ow Bli-zay, the one summer I take off to gather my strength to make a comedy and prep for Transformers 4: a World without Shia, and you think I wouldn’t notice?
You think you’re the fucking king of summer, Avengers? You think Bliggity Bay get soft?
Now you want to run around, talking about breakdancing robots tearing each other arms off, like I ain’t got none? You think I sold them all, just because I’m well off?
Think you can talk that shit like it won’t get back to me? Like I’m not everywhere?
Motherfuckers think you can forget about Bay?
War, it is.
Read the rest of this entry
The Mass Effect 3 Thing pt 1: The Ending
What follows is less about the actual nuts and bolts of the ending regarding any sort of closure inside the Mass Effect Universe, or of the supposed insidious business practices of EA , but more about why the ending was used.
I'm coming back, Earth. And I'm bringing all the murder with me.
I will do my best to keep it spoiler-lite for Shepards still fighting the good fight, and less intensive for those of you who don’t care about Mass Effect, but I can make no promises.
NONSTOP UPDATE
I haven’t updated in awhile due to some work stuff being moved around and some issues regarding my ability to sleep like I’m a people.
Things are righting themselves, and pieces are moving into place for me to update like usual.
I’d also like to take this time to point this story regarding the Expendables 2: Expend This *points to crotch*.
I’m not saying this blog and it’s loyal legion of five readers had anything to do with the change, but, guys, we had everything to do with this.
Well us, and whomever made this poster:
Because, seriously, that is a monster burn.
Matt
Obviously There’ll Be a Transformers 4
by Michael Bay
I really did try to walk away. I wanted to make some dark comedies, maybe do some more personal movies like George Lucas. I truly, truly, wanted to grow as an artist and a person and let people know that there was more to the bronzed god known in some circles as Mickey Blizow Blizay.
Unfortunately, it seemed to have the opposite effect. It turns out that instead of finally sating all of you explosion slut hounds with my magnum goddamn fucking opus, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I’ve only made you harder. I’ve created a vacuum in your lives that’s only been filled with deep longing; your turgid curiosity beginning to swell to painful levels.
Rest assured; I will give you release. Gentlemen, we’re going to paint the goddamn ceiling of your bedroom, your car, and 4,500 screens across the country the color “man white.” I’d go so far as to suggest that maybe you wear galoshes and tuck your pants into your fucking boots because the floor of those theaters are going to be soaked once I get done with the ladies. They’re going to have to burn the seats after every showing to keep from attracting roving packs of feral cats. Nine months after Transformers 4: Adjective Noun Verb there’s going to be a shitload of kids born that look an awful lot like yours truly.
The resemblance is uncanny.
The Watchmen Thing
I am a comic book fan.
I’ve been reading since I was six. I still have that issue of Uncanny X-Men with Wolverine and Gambit on the cover that started this whole mess.
I have many, many, many opinions on the whole Watchmen debacle.
I don’t think they should do it.
All right, so maybe just the one opinion.
I’m going to attempt to elucidate this opinion for you here without swearing non-stop or turning into an entitled fan.
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PG-13 Expendables Due to Language? Suck My D-ck.
Did you guys hear about how the Expendables 2 is going to be PG-13?
Did you hear about how it’s because Chuck Norris got his conservative panties in a bunch over the language?
This is genius. Whoever did this is so, so awesome.
Mr. Norris, on behalf of everyone, ever: Suck Our Dicks.
Things to Do in 2012 (For Me, But I Guess You Too)
Can’t Stop This Karate ’Cuz This Karate Don’t Stop.
And we’re back.
Some of you may have noticed that my output decreased sharply from a bunch to zero, and I apologize for that. Every electronic device that I owned decided to shit their own beds within a week of each other and thus I was unable to produce at a level of quality that I wanted.
My fart jokes and erotica must never, ever, be cheapened.
One of the many unfortunate side effects of my extended break was all that brainspace and all those wonderful neurons used to come up with creative swears for Michael Bay and to talk shit about people much more talented and richer than I got moved to other projects. Such as finding pornography when one does not have a computer.
Mercifully, I can now get back to it with a shiny new laptop, as pleasuring myself while trying to hold a smartphone in position is not a skill set I’d like to add to my wheelhouse. Oh, and writing. I can get back to writing. But mainly the pornography.
What I’m trying to get at is: the road back to what passes for my normal is going to be slow going and today we’ll be starting with a big ol’ cop-out entry.
Hooray. Read the rest of this entry
Nonstop Karate
Chad Quandt
Adam Kornya
Kyle McVey
Joey Reinisch
mattloman
Nick the Goat
Aaron J. Waltke
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