Blog Archives

Bay vs. His Birthday pt. 2

Previously, on Battlestar Galactica NonStop Karate…

Vegas! Hallucinogens!

Bay! Cage! Assistant!
LAX! Craters!

An Unstoppable Army of Prostitutes bent on love… and MURDER!
And Now, Part Two of Michael Bay vs His Birthday!

Our hero.

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“Hear Me, Spirits, for I am Your Lord”

This is part two, a continuation of Wednesday’s blog. Click here for part one.


by Nic Cage

Spirits and spectres! Shades of the deceased and those which should not be and remain forever unnamed, hear me! I am your lord! I am the vessel through which light, and goodness, and live stuff are channeled in response to every fell thing!

I, Nicholas Cage Coppola, last of a dynasty of battle sorcerers, command you to be made flesh that I might challenge you to open combat for the souls of everyone involved with Transformers 3: Moon Black!

PA: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Mr. Cage, sir.

Cage: Moon Black is the direct translation of what you just said in the language of ghosts.

PA: You said it in English, Mr. Cage.

Cage: Well met, fellow wordsmith. You’re quick for someone who wasn’t consecrated by God to deliver his wrath here on Earth.

PA: Well, I am in the third level of improv classes, and –

*Cage shoots PA with a flintlock pistol*

I will be devastated if he doesn't actually carry around a pistol like this.

Cage: Behold! The pistol that stopped Werewolf George Washington reclaims another soul from the legions of Perdition and back into the Army of Light! Notice how his blood goes from the dark red of evil and back into the red red of goodness!
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The Misunderstood Genius of Nicolas Cage

Nic Cage is one of my favorite action movie actors.



However, Nic Cage is also one of my favorite actors in not action movies. Whaddaya call them? Boring movies? Is that right? It sounds right.

Now, that doesn’t mean best. It just means that, for better or worse, putting Nic Cage in your movie will improve my chances of seeing it roughly 800%.

Chemical SUPER Freak. Actually.

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