Blog Archives

FUNemployment

Oh hey everyone.

Aw. That's kinda nice.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not, but for the last month I have been on what we in the “industry” like to call “hiatus.” Which is a nice way of saying I’m currently unemployed. The nice thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period in the summer where productions shut down to give everyone a break. The bad thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period where I don’t get paid.  Now, I understand that there are many, many people in this country that have been unemployed for many months or years.  Which is a God damn shame. But this isn’t going to be a political post about the state of our economy or anything.  I just wanted to acknowledge there are thousands of people in this country who have it harder than me before I start talking about how bored I am.  That’s the thing though, if you haven’t been unemployed in your lifetime that’s awesome! But I’ll have you know that you learn a lot about yourself when you are obligated to do literally nothing.  And that’s what I’d like to share with you today. What I’ve learned about myself in the last month or so:

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You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry

Which lately seems like it’s all the time.

Have you ever woken up and thought “When did I become such an insufferable cunt?” If you followed my twitter account, you’d know that I had this very realization yesterday morning.  How did I come to this conclusion? Well. I’m not proud of it, but I yelled at this adorable cat.

Just. Not fair.

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KURT RUSSELL: An Action Movie May Deity

Believe it or not, this is a man in the twilight of his action career.

I’m suffering a bit of writer’s block today on another project, so I’m gonna try to break through it with a simple post for Action Movie May.  I didn’t ask Matt for permission to, BECAUSE I DO AS I WISH!!  Besides, I feel kinda lame that I haven’t thrown in my two cents on Action Movie May, besides the occasional twitter zings about it.  Also, it’s my last chance seeing as my LOLJK counterpart, Mr. Joey Reinisch will once again begin alternating posts with me starting next week.  Yes, yes, I know you’ll all miss your weekly dose of my impeccable whit, creative cursing, and dick jokes. But just think about how much better my posts will be with an extra week to work on them!! (I will still write them the day before or of.)

Now. I jumped the gun about a month or so ago and wrote a post about our lack of modern day action stars. It was a piece I really enjoyed writing and that oddly enough lead to me discussing the subject with a number of industry professionals who were at one time involved with those films or share the same passion for the genre.  It was refreshing and very surreal to have discussions I’ve had while blindingly drunk with my friends on countless evenings, with people who actually do this as their livelihood.   Here’s the thing though, no matter who I was speaking to we all agreed on one thing: Kurt Russell.  Now, that article focused a lot on the big action Joel Silver movies of the past and primarily on who I would call the “Heavy Weight” action stars of the time. Stallone. Arnold. But what we’re really missing now and the characters I’ve always REALLY enjoyed were the “Middle Weight” action stars. Bruce Willis. Mel Gibson (pre-Nazi bullshit). Patrick Swayze. And the shining star of them all, Kurt Russel.  They played guys that could have been the average American man.  They weren’t 250 lbs of muscle. They’re weren’t walking, human tanks. They were scrappy. They had ingenuity.  And they always had a one-liner ready to toss out there before they broke a skull.  Which in my book, is the most important aspect of an action hero. Quotability.

If Shane Black is the God of Action Movie May (and I assure you, he is). Kurt Russell is most certainly one of it’s greatest messengers.

Let’s get into it.  Kurt Russell has inhabited some of the greatest action heroes of all time.  And I think for a majority of the public, he sometimes goes overlooked when the title of “Action Star” is thrown around.  This is a travesty.  So let’s begin with probably his most well known character. And then end with my personal favorite of all time.

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A Tale of Two (Or Three) Kyles

It may not seem like it. But here is what an absolute madman looks like.

My life is a constant struggle.
But not in the way you may expect. When I say “struggle” I’m not talking about some “Grapes of Wrath” Great Depression Dust Bowl shit.  I’m not that self obsessed, it’s FAAAAR less severe.
Honestly, I’m not complaining. I’m poor, sure. But its not too bad. The beach is free and has a million great spots to panhandle.  I don’t completely strike out with the ladies, so I don’t feel pathetic.  I surprisingly have my health, though it’s just a matter of time before I severely injure myself.

No. When I say “struggle” I’m talking about the ever present internal struggle against one’s self.   It’s something we all have issue with.  The constant pushing and pulling of right and wrong. Our baser urges versus our higher functions.  Of the need to not go in to work hungover on a Tuesday versus having that one shot that you KNOW will put you over the edge.  For me though, these psyches manifest themselves in various ways.  For example, drunk and high Kyle both leave future sober Kyle messages in his phone.  And I’ll tell you something, High Kyle does not think much of Sober Kyle.  Which I think is ironic, because he doesn’t do anything but find new ways to stack cookies together while watching the same movies over and over again. He’s not doing anything all that great (though seriously, he’s on the forefront of cookie sandwich construction).   Drunk Kyle on the other hand, is far more encouraging.  He’s almost a loving father figure, despite the fact that he’s the version of myself that gets Future Kyle in the most trouble. But sometimes, a perfect storm brews and these two become one. So. Allow me to get all “A Christmas Carol” on your ass by revealing the inner monologue of the three Kyle’s: Past, Present, and Future.

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Dear Babies

FACT: When you type "Hot Babies" into Google, most of the pics are Jessica Alba.

As a single man living in LA (laaaaadiessssss), I have a lot of time to think about a variety of things.  The state of our current political climate, my career and the direction its slowly taking, how awesome Jeff “The Sandwich” Saturday is, but inevitably my mind always wanders back to the most pressing of topics…babies.  They are a source of constant intrigue,  headaches, and beauty for all men. Now please understand, when I use the term “babies” I am not referring to the crying, piss and shit themselves type of babies.  I’m talking about women.  All women are babies in my book. For me and those in my circle, it’s a term of endearment. In fact, some even go beyond the standard definition of baby and become “supbabies.” But the dichotomy of my extremely idiotic, slightly sexist terms for women are for another entry down the line. Today, I just want to talk at you, babies. For the sake of humor and the good of all mankind, all I ask is that you kindly bend an ear and listen to the broad generalizations and more than likely offensive things I have to say today. Thank you.

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So Long Superman

So I’m not really getting along with the other Nonstop Karate contributors right now since I refused to take part in their plan to use the blog to launch their vanity albums.

Think Phil Collins, but employing elaborate metaphors comparing romantic love with what it means to be an X-man

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On Hipsters

Hipster.

If you look like this on purpose, please rethink your life.

If you read this blog, there is a good chance that this word has a negative connotation to it.  I know that for me personally, it does.  And it could be easy to write a humorous entry poking fun at the people who have embraced that culture and lifestyle.  PBR! LOL! 
But lets go a bit deeper and explore what the culture is perceived to be, how people actually live it, and then why deep down I hate it.  You know, while I poke fun and make easy jokes at these people’s expense. It’s a humor blog. I’m not paid to be unbiased…

…I’m not paid…

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