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Dear Celebs: Dear Oscars

Did you guys know the Oscars are only like days away? Maybe weeks, I’m not sure, but definitely days away. It’s almost certainly not tomorrow. Probably.

It's the gay Super Bowl.

I know this because my day job is working the front desk at a gym in West Hollywood. We sadly have few celebrity regulars (I did see Starbuck AND Helo, but not on the same day), we do get a lot of agents, producers, assistants, and the like.

Am I going to use this post as a flimsy excuse to post pictures of beautiful movie stars? You bet your ass.

Guess what? They super care about the Oscars. Which means that as a bright and smiling employee of this gym, when I’m on the clock, I care about the Oscars. Off the clock I can go home and watch Roadhouse and Tombstone to my heart’s content, but at work I have a fully cultivated opinion on every category, and which dark horse might actually win.

I don’t care, but at the same time I don’t care how many individual units come in the boxes of water I have to order every week, but I retain that knowledge because it makes life easier.

For those of you not as lucky as me to be forced into caring, here is a quick and dirty primer on the Oscars so you have something to talk about with the people you don’t like at the water cooler, or your mother-in-law who never goes to the movies, or watches anything good on TV, and yet, subscribes to every celebrity gossip magazine on Earth.

Here's a picture of a dude. You're welcome, I guess.

And here’s where they rewarded ‘Crash.’ God, ‘Crash sucked outloud.

Note: I wrote this intending to comment on a few things here and there, and at some point just decided to predict winners. I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. If I did, I’d be churning out Adam Sandler goes to Hawaii scripts, and not trying to make hard sci-fi movies complete with mythology. I, in no way, understand how Hollywood works. — Matt
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