Blog Archives
Fight the Future, Beat Your Kids (with knowledge)
I was all set to write a character piece from the perspective of a 12-year-old discovering an older relative’s “classic movies” and then use that to start doing a series of articles about a kid watching stuff like Blade, the Matrix, and Old School.
Pictured: Blade, Motherfuckers Trying to Ice Skate Up Hill.
It was funny, then it got less funny, because it made me feel super old. Well, that’s not entirely true. I spend most of my weekends drinking beer and watching cartoons, and my nights are spent coming up with outlandish scenarios for comedy sketches, action movies, and sci-fi stories, but the beginnings of that article did force me to acknowledge the unstoppable advancement of time.
Thanks to being an unusually oily teenager, my skin is thus far, holding off on the worry lines and crow’s feet, though everytime I look in a mirror, I swear my hairline is slowly sliding back.
Hold the line, you bastards.
Time marches on, and I’m forced to come to grips with the fact that pop culture is continuing to move on without my permission or attention. Read the rest of this entry
There Was a Time This Trailer Brought Hope
Hold back your snark cannons, internet. I want you to learn something from this. Look at this trailer. No one had any idea what the prequel trilogy would be like. The realization that eight hours of prologue wouldn’t be satisfying hadn’t hit anyone yet.
According to the above video’s uploader, fans in this screening bought tickets to Meet Joe Black (remember that? That character’s name was conceived before Jack Black was a movie star. Things would’ve been too confusing if he was!) just to see the trailer. Movies don’t do that anymore. If you want to see the new Avengers movie, you see it at the end of Captain America, which you’re likely already seeing. Imagine if The Dark Knight Rises Teaser had been put exclusively at the beginning of Zookeeper. How frustrating that would be for the few folks there excited to see some Kevin James hi-jinks and some nerd in a bat suit bought all the tickets.
Look at all the beats this trailer hits and imagine what the movie could’ve been like:
00:30 – Sprawling landscapes, droid fighters flying off like it’s Cloud City, a beautiful woman looking longingly out the window. You lean over to your friend and go, “Is this…is this art? This is art!” Read the rest of this entry
Rogue’s Gallery: Top 10 Villains From Film and Literature
I guess there isn’t a whole lot of shame in making a list and calling it writing. It isn’t like I graduated with a degree in English or am in any way qualified or obligated to edify or entertain anyone. In fact, I think it’s high time I pointed out the fact that our readers come to Non-stop Karate with quite a lot of baggage. They come here looking for a little insight or cleverness, or even just the odd tit or giggle. But really, having expectations of quality of any kind is really just going to disappoint all parties involved. Read the rest of this entry
The Superpower Encyclopedia: Self-Duplication
Ladies and Gentlemen, today we revisit an ongoing series for the LOLJK crew, the “Super Power Encyclopedia.” Where we break down typical super powers for you, the reader, and then provide a simple step-by-step process to follow gain said power. Pretty exciting stuff. Read the rest of this entry
F–k It: a Henchman’s Two Weeks
Are you fucking serious? There is no way in hell I’m going out there. There’s a fucking Jedi out there and he’s carving bitches up. I can’t even believe it.
If they all get their ID picture taken with the helmet on, how do they tell each other apart?
He just fell from the sky from probably like a million fucking feet and he got his laser sword or whatever and just started chopping people up. It’s completely fucked down here. All these body arms and shit and half people with burnt off ends.
Sick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of Stormtroopers getting fucked up? That's what 90% of the internet should be. C'mon, geeks, we've got to get our shit together.
I’m not even supposed to fucking be here. It’s my day off, and I’m here because Charlie had to have his commitment ceremony today, and I wasn’t even invited if you can believe it.
I can’t.
Jesus fuck, did you see what he did to Mark? He cut his body into pieces and then threw the parts at everyone. That’s gross. And disrespectful.
Yup. Seems about right.
Good, go! I hope you go tell the Grand Moff. Tell Vader. Tell the Emperor, I don’t even give a shit. I’m wearing bright armor with no peripheral vision or style, and I’ve got to fight some psychic lightning ninja.
Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dun-dunh-dah-dunh-dah
Fuck this shit. I can’t deal with it. I’m going back to bar tending.
Read the rest of this entry
Sucker Punch’s success will open the floodgates to nerd-culture shlock
Sucker Punch is where we draw the line, nerds. I have talked to you before about the one known as Munn, and her dark engine of success. In a way, Sucker Punch is a movie version of her; both feature attractive women in nerd fantasies without much authenticity. It’s an amalgam of every part of nerd culture, robots and ninjas and schoolgirls and battle blimps mashed into one pulpy mess like a baby brother making a giant food pile out of his dinner plate. If Sucker Punch succeeds, the studios will likely respond by drowning us in so much sci-fi waste fluid. Read the rest of this entry
At the entrance of Hell, this Bugs Bunny costume guards the way.
Jesus. JESUS. There is no Jesus here where this video exists, but GAH JESUS.
WHY DID HE BECKON AT THE CAMERA? Does he know I’m watching? Oh god, why is he on that rocking horse? Why is he there? What is it about his presence that kills all audio recording it? Bugs Bunny continues to ride, head forward, atop his horse of Pestilence or Famine, without ever stopping.
I just turned on the lights in my room. And I locked the door. No, I don’t think this video means me harm. I believe it’s just a weird family video that lost the audio. All I’m saying is you can’t be too careful. Better to lock your door a thousand times than have this thing looming over you one night.
I thought that was the end of it, and then I found the other videos this account had hosted. And I skyrocketed from misery all the way to elation in less than a minute. Read the rest of this entry
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